Robin Williams Has Gone Home.

Things started off normal enough. CNN had a banner headline across the bottom of it’s feed that announced the breaking news was Robin Williams was dead at 63.

We were in the Jersey Mike’s Sub Shop. I couldn’t hear the news, the volume was off. All I got was the headlines, and any text on the screen. But that was enough. I knew, reading the words on the screen, all hell was about to break loose.

See. I knew how people would react to the news.

Just like I knew, in a few days, or maybe a week or two, the thing would blow over, and nothing would change. That’s how life is. That’s how people are. Things don’t change until there’s a reason for them to change.

Let me say that another way. If it was your spouse or lover that had ended their life, you’d change. But, because it was someone you only knew from a movie screen, or a TV screen, that wouldn’t change a thing. You’d say, “That’s too bad.” Then, “People should get the help they need. It’s there. They just have to ask.” Then, you wouldn’t say a thing, ‘cause it wouldn’t matter anymore.

Just like donating platelets or blood. If you best friend gets cancer, you’ll consider it. But only while they’re in Chemotherapy.

Did I mention I hate people?

I hate people.

I hate more, knowing that nothing will change. That time will pass, and another big name will commit suicide, and we’ll all go through these same motions again. And again. And again. And nothing will change.

It never has.

History’s littered with suicides of depressed, different people. Big names. Freddy Prinze. Curt Cobain. Robin Williams. Jimmy Hendrix (yes, a drug overdose is the same thing). You can name them yourself.

The first person that tells me how selfish those people were to kill themselves, or that they took the easy way out, I’m going to push all their teeth down their throat in one brutal move. All that shows is you’re stupid, and don’t understand a God damned thing, and don’t want to. You’re just being “social” and behaving according to some mythical rule set that we’re all supposed to follow.

See. I’m autistic.

That fucking rule set you can’t live without doesn’t exist to me. And I see stupid behavior everywhere I look. Every day. That’s why I’m in therapy. Not because I’m fucked up. But because the world’s fucked up, and I have to live in it.

I particularly love the commentary along the lines of, “If you’re contemplating suicide, get help! Talk to someone!” Helpful words. Like saying, “Here’s a cup of water. Hope you can put out the fire with it.”

Yes, if you haven’t noticed, I’m rather emotional on this topic.

Robin Williams escaped the hell he was in. And the first person that tells me it’s too bad he took his own life, and so he’s going to hell, I’m going to send that person straight to hell myself. Because you understand nothing. Nothing at all. Except what you WANT to understand.

Robin Williams escaped the hell he was in. A hell he never made. Do you think he caused his depression? Do you think he elected to be depressed? Do you think he elected to have no one to talk to? Do you think he elected to live where he lived, alone, or nearly so? Do you think he didn’t talk to anyone? That he didn’t seek help?

He did all those things. That you can’t understand why he ended his pain, and misery, and turned from the nightmare he saw everywhere, everyday, isn’t his fault. That you wonder why he ended his life indicates you’re part of the problem. Part of the reason 38,000+ people end their lives every year.

Find someone to talk to. OK. I did. I found a handful of people to talk to. Then, on October 11th, 2010, they told me I was not allowed in the same workplace as them. Then, on October 25th, 2010, they told me I was to not talk with any of them, even through smoke signals. No contact.

The people I needed. The ones I’d found to help me through my depression. Turned and walked away.

So shut the fuck up about this shit of, “Fiind someone to talk to.” Be honest about what the fuck you’re saying. You’re not saying find someone to talk to. You’re saying, “Send yourself to a psych ward, and talk to a bunch of clinical analysts, and other freakazoids like yourself, and when you’re normal, like us, maybe we’ll talk with you. But don’t bet on it.”

Think about that a while. Because that’s what your world tried to do to me.

What does it mean, what does it say, about the world, when the world says, “Find someone to talk to,” and doesn’t say, “So long as it’s not me. Leave me out of your disturbing shit. I don’t want to get involved. And quit disrupting my harmony! Go the fuck away!”

Because, let’s be honest here, that’s what our social system actually says. What it actually does. It’s like the prayer game. You know. Where everyone says, “I’ll pray for you,” and that’s all they do for you when you need help. “I’ll pray for you, and beyond that, go jump off a fucking cliff, ‘cause I’m not getting involved!”

Did I mention I hate people?

I hate people.

You want to know why Robin Williams killed himself? Because he saw things as they really, truly are. He saw past the lies our social system tells. He saw the misery our social system inflicts on people, especially people who are different.

See. Different equals disruptive. Knowledge equals disruptive. Independence equals disruptive. And we’ll remove anything disruptive from our social system, so it won’t gum up the works. As the song says, “Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls, it’s a mixed up, shook up, fucked up world. Except for Lola.”

You close your eyes. You pretend the world is OK. You imagine our society is functional. You pretend it’s sad when someone decided they’ve had enough, and leave. You get pissed off when they leave.

You get pissed off because you can’t. You’re still here. In a world you never made.

Shut the fuck up about all this. Nothing’s going to change. Don’t pretend it will. And if you pretend it will, then don’t get pissed off at me for recognizing it won’t. And look back, in a year or two, and see how things have changed because of this.

And yes. In case you’re wondering. I’ve donated platelets over 70 times now. And there will be more donations in my future. And Gina A Baker is long past her chemo therapy. Of course, for all I know, she could be dead. She’s one of the few friends I had that ordered me to go away on 10/25/2010. And I haven’t heard from her since.


I was disruptive.

And you know. We can’t have that shit in the working world. We can’t have that shit at all.



5 thoughts on “Robin Williams Has Gone Home.

  1. You said in the link on Ailsa and friends, you don’t expect anyone to approve or like your post. I understand why you’d expect negative responses. You have told some home truths and people don’t like that.
    You have managed to put into words thoughts that have been running around my head.
    Congratulations on a brilliantly written and thought out post. I wish you well. And those who turned their back on you have made a grave mistake. They don’t deserve to have you as a friend.

  2. I understand entirely, Mark. Except every one of us has a different reason to escape their own hell. Some of us are pursued by demons and decide that rather than let the demons win, we’ll find our own way out. I have re-blogged this – thank you.

  3. So… eternal optimist here, commenting all up in your shit again. 😛 I actually really loved this part:
    I particularly love the commentary along the lines of, “If you’re contemplating suicide, get help! Talk to someone!” Helpful words. Like saying, “Here’s a cup of water. Hope you can put out the fire with it.”

    Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. This week has been hard for me with facebook inundated with articles and discussions about depression. Does it surprise you that this people loving optimist has struggled with depression her whole life? That I have contemplated suicide? For me it is not because the world is fucked up but because I am. When I am in the Big Darkness my brain KNOWS that I am a sad, sorry excuse for a human being that does not deserve to keep using up the resources of this world. I know logically it is a lie, but if it goes on long enough the overwhelming volume of the message drowns the logic and it becomes true.

    I pretty much never talk to people when it gets to the suicidal ideation level. Partly because isolation and not wanting to talk to anyone about anything is part of the Big Darkness for me. Partly because of the responses I have gotten ranging from the disgusted “Thanks for the drama,” to the well meaning “When I was depressed after my mother died I went on walks and that helped me. Maybe you should try going for a walk.”

    The thing is, I never responded to either of these, or any other horrid responses to my admission of major depression. Because depression is a suppression, a going inward, a withdrawal. I never said “I just said I wanted to kill myself and you mocked me. You are a shitty friend and I will never confide anything real or vulnerable to you again.” I never said “I have been dealing with depression for at least 35 years. The problem I have is very different from the sadness you felt when your mother died. When this bout hit I was not only on antidepressants, I was training for a half marathon. Your advice sounded condescending and I will never talk about real and vulnerable things to you again.”

    Maybe the world would quit offering us thimbles of water in the midst of our infernos if we could respond better when they do so.

    Then again, maybe the do just want the problem to go away and quit being in their face. I sure would if I were not standing in the middle of it.

  4. Perfect. But then I knew your post would be. I wonder at Robin’s own hell – as it also shows us that despite all the ‘success’, it doesn’t change how we feel inside. I am totally moved by his loss. One of my favourite films of his is ‘What dreams may come’ – where, after his death, he goes and finds his wife who committed suicide. Something poignant about that now.

    I too hate the guilt trip people put you on if you mention suicidal thoughts, the ‘but what about your children, what about your family’ etc etc. That it is a selfish action. Those people have no concept of what it is to truly not feel that there is any value in continuing in this life, and how hard it came be sometimes to stay alive.

    People don’t want to know if you feel emotionally vulnerable, or if you feel a mess, they just tag you as negative and move on. Some can’t handle it. I have learnt to stop reaching out, and to be far more selective.

    Thanks for sharing Mark.

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