#BadSanta 2013

Mrs. Clause shook her head. “Dear. You know you’re not supposed to give them what you want them to get.” She looked at Twitter again, displaying the thread #BadSanta. The screen overflowed with tweets about how bad Santa had been this year. The #BadSanta hashtag was the hottest on Twitter, followed closely by #NaughtySanta.

“I know, Dear. I know.” Santa sighed. “But after all these hundreds of years, I just had to have some fun!”

Fun indeed. Santa had worked with his elves and re-decorated Christmas from the ground up. Instead of getting people what they said they wanted, he gave them what he wanted them to have.

He gave Tommy the police, serving an arrest warrant on his dad, for domestic violence. OK. That wasn’t so bad. It counted as interference in human affairs, but at least it was good interference.

He gave Betty a certificate to the local cosmetic surgery center, for a paid in full boob job. “Dear! She was a size A! No wonder she couldn’t get a man!” All Mrs. Clause could do was shake her head.

He gave George a blindfold, handcuffs, leather underwear, a whip, and a full dominatrix outfit, so he could dress his wife up properly, and do what he’d always wanted to do. “He kept having these dreams about her whipping his ass, and making him do things.”

“Do things? Really, Dear? Do things?”

Santa could only grin.

Then she noticed the tweet from @PestDestroyer. “Woke up this morning to find my kitchen an inch deep in roaches. #BadSanta”

“Roaches? Really!”

“What can I say? They wanted revenge.”

There was the tweet from @UnfortunateHousewife. “Oh, the hubs is happy. Got an 80 core supercomputer. My life sucks. #BadSanta”

And the one from @SpeedDemon. “He put my GPS tracking records online! Had 4 speeding tickets already today! #BadSanta”

@INeedAMan tweeted, “I need a man, not another vibrator! #BadSanta”

@WannaBeAStar tweeted, “Really? A 3 film contract with Vivid Entertainment? What? #BadSanta”

Santa just grinned. “With a body like that, she’d be good at it, and fun to watch!” Mrs. Clause shook her head and sighed.

@BigBoss got a pink slip. @RichBitch got hit by the IRS for tax evasion. @BetterThanYou’s house burned to the ground. @ILoveMyCar woke up to find his car replaced by a Hot Pink Yugo. @GrammarNazi spoke about the Gangsta Rap that wouldn’t stop playing on her TV and Radio. “If I hear another ima, ima kill someone! #BadSanta” @IHaveRichParents received legal paperwork indicating he’d been cut out of the family’s will. @LonelyHeart woke up to a naked football running back tied to her bed, with a note stuck on his crotch that said, “It’s all yours!” @LazyBoy got a 10 year membership to Gold’s Gym.

The list went on, and on.

Santa tried to explain to Mrs. Clause. “I just wanted to do something a little different this year, Dear. Instead of the same old thing.”

490 Words

I wrote this for Ruth Long‘s annual Bad Santa Blog Hop. It was fun to write. Now, go read all the other entries in the hop. You can find them here.



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