Wednesday, 06 December 2017

How do I change? How do I move me forward? In any direction? Can I do something, for once, that is not destructive? That’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? Me. Figuring out who I am, and who I want to be.

I do NOT want to be a typical success. Success as defined by the social system I’m stuck living within is soul destroying. So, I don’t want that.

I want to write, but I don’t want to write. I want writing to be something I choose to do. Not a job. Because. When something becomes a job it becomes corrupt with money, and society, and expectations. I don’t want any of that to happen to my writing. There’s a very fine line here. Very fine.

“You never finish anything!” I need to kill that voice. Those words. I finish lots of things. Because I learn what I set out to learn. I don’t have to publish a story to finish it. That’s the words of this world. That’s not the truth.

See. I know this truth about life, and what our society has done to life, and how it has warped the truth. How it has tied success to money. To material possessions.

I write to find me. I write to gain understanding of me and how I see the world. I write to learn what I feel, what I think, what I believe. What I am.

I don’t write to sell a story, or a book. I don’t write to have others read. I don’t write to “be a writer”. I don’t write to make a product that I get paid for, and that makes other people money.

I write to answer the simple, obvious questions. Who am I? What do I believe? What do I feel? How do I learn, and grow, and make me better than I am?

I have much to think on. And much to learn.

MY lovely blog hop

Ailsa Abraham tagged me in this. I decided “Why not?” so, thanks for the tag, Ailsa.

I have the choice of writing a few lines on any of these subjects : first memory, books, libraries/bookshops, what’s your passion, learning, writing.

What to write, what to write? Isn’t that always the question? The item on the list that keeps drawing my attention is, what’s your passion, so why not go with that. Especially since it includes learning and writing.

What’s my passion? That’s pretty much a tie between learning and writing. I am a lifelong learner. To the point where, if I visit a bookstore, I look first at science and technology books, then at philosophy and psychology. Types of fiction are among the last books I look at. If I look at magazines, the same thing happens, science, technology, philosophy, psychology, news, and somewhere down the list, fiction.

I sometimes wonder how much I know. I’m not a genius by any means. But I do collect information, not just through reading. My choices in television show my curiosity also, as I’ll watch programs like Through the Wormhole, How It’s Made, and How The Universe Works before I’ll watch programs like Agents of Shield and NCIS.

My Facebook news feed has lots of science news, I’ve made it a point to hunt down such information. It’s also filled with world news, as I like to know what’s happening on our tiny planet in this big universe. Sometimes, I think of myself as an information sink.

Along with learning comes writing. Writing lets me ask questions. It lets me theorize. It lets me work with what I learn about philosophy, psychology, social behavior, science, and technology. It lets me express thoughts I have about how life is, based on what I’ve learned. It lets me express my thoughts, fears, and hopes about the future, based on what I’ve learned.

What’s my passion? I have two, they go hand in hand. Learning, and writing.

Now, it’s time for me to tag a few people, to see if they wish to join this little blog hop. To that end, I’m tagging:

D Savannah George
Miranda Kate
Melpomene Selemidis

Because, why not? Please feel free to join if you wish, and if you do join, please link back to this post and write a few words on any of these subjects: first memory, books, libraries/bookshops, what’s your passion, learning, writing.

Stopped

Photo: shared by LIORA www.twinflame1111.comThere it was.
On Facebook.
A picture of a beach somewhere.
With big waves.
And bright sun.
And some random guy
Walking toward the ocean.
And the words on the picture said:

Decide what you want.
Believe you can have it.
Believe you deserve it.
And believe
It’s possible for you

And my brain cells analyzed the words,
Passing them through the filters I’ve made
That translate what people say
To something I can understand.

And I found those words
Suddenly
Terrified me.
Because the told me
Clearly.
Why people stop.

I’ve always seen people
Stop.
They stop growing.
They stop learning.
They stop trying.
They stop changing.
They stop dreaming.
They stop.

I’ve never understood why.

When I worked
Where I used to work,
I never stopped.
I never stood still.
I never treaded water.
I never once believed
I was good enough
At the work I did.

I always believed
I had to get better.
I had to learn more.
I had to push myself.
My abilities.
My skills.
Just to keep the job
I had.

And it disturbed me greatly
When the people I worked with
Explained to me
A hundred thousand times,
“I don’t touch my work
When I’m at home.”

They stopped.
They quit growing.
Learning.
Improving.

And then wondered
How I always seemed
To get better,
And know more,
That I did the year before.

And that poster on Facebook
Shocked me on this Sunday.
And I’ve been trying
Every since,
To figure out the words I saw
In my heart and soul,
When I read those words.

I remember what Gina said to me,
When she was in Chemo-therapy,
And fighting for her life.
“I just want my life back.”

Then there were the words
Tim spoke.
“Sometimes, you do
What you have to do.
To keep your job.”

There were so many other words
I heard in those days.
And just as many words
I hear all the time
In this new life I’ve found.

“I wish I had a job like that.”

“I’d gladly go through hell
To get paid that well.”

It was as those thoughts
Raced through my memory,
As I tried to understand
The words on that poster,
I became very sad.

Because I knew.
People stop.

They figure out
What they want.
The car.
The house.
The family.
And all the stuff
That goes with it.

They dream the dream
Of American success.

They grow up.
Graduate from college.
Get a job,
Get married.
And start their families.

And then they live
For just one thing.
To retire.

To escape the dream
They have achieved.

I’ve always wondered why.
Why they were so unhappy.
Why they worked so hard
To reach success.
And then just stopped.

What they meant
When they said to me,
“I’m too old to change.”
And
“It’s too hard.”

They’re reached the dreams
They believed in.
Not knowing
There’s always more.
The journey never ends.

So here I sit, tonight.
With my cat
Sleeping on my lap.
Wondering.

Will any of the people
I have known,
And met,
In the live I have been given,
Ever realize
They’ve stopped changing,
And growing.

Will they ever realized
They’ve stopped?

#FSF : Learning

I’m finished learning to blend in. I’m finished learning to become just like everyone else. I’m finished learning to destroy the parts of me that make me unique. Now, I’m learning what I feel, think, and believe. Now, I’m learning who I am and not who you would have me be.


Here’s my weekly attempt at Lillie McFerrin‘s flash fiction challenge, Five Sentence Fiction. This week, the prompt is Learning.

Please, go read all the other entries to this week’s Five Sentence Fiction. It’s amazing what creative people can do with just five sentences.