What Happened To The Little Boy

What happened to the little boy
I was once upon a time,
So very long ago?

I know the answer
I’ve been told.
“You grew up.”
“You grew old.”
“The innocence you had
As a little boy,
Got murdered by the world.”

It always comes to that.
The loss of innocence.
The birth of pain.
Where as I grew,
I learned,
Time and time again,
Never trust anyone.
That way,
No one can hurt you
Again.

But I wonder
What was wrong
With that little boy?

That little boy
Wasn’t scared at all
Of the black kids
Down the road.
In fact,
He played with them.
And he had fun.
And they did too.

That little boy
Wasn’t afraid at all
To hold the hand
Of the girl next door
When she was sad.
He held her hand
So many times
While she cried.
And then he wiped the tears
From her eyes.

Sometimes he even hugged her.
And always,
Every day,
He was there.
As her friend.

Because he knew
In his heart and soul
Helping friends
Was the thing to do.

That little boy
Sometimes got angry,
And frustrated too.
And he screamed,
And hollered.
And if he got angry enough,
He got up,
And walked away.

But always,
He calmed down.
Because he knew
Being angry with his friends
Forever
Meant he’d never see them
Again.

What happened to that little boy
That I was
Once upon a time?

That boy and his friends knew
That sometimes boys just fight.
And fight they did.
Running into each other,
Wrestling on the ground,
In the grass and dirt.
And even in the mud.

But always,
When the fight was over,
Everybody knew
Why it had begun.
And that little boy
Always took the time
To work things out
With the other person
In the fight.

What happened to that little boy?
Where has he gone to?
In this world
That needs him
And his kind
So very much?

That little boy never once
Looked at a little girl
Dressed in jeans,
And a t-shirt,
With a ball cap on her head,
And told her she was evil,
And all her kind
Should just be dead.

That little boy never once
Looked at a little boy
That took dancing lessons,
Had long hair
In a pony tail,
And wore pink socks,
As a demon from hell
To be burned at the stake
To keep the world safe
From him.

That little boy always knew
If you had more to eat
That you needed,
Or wanted,
It was OK
To give it to
Someone with no food.

That little boy knew too
That if you broke the rules,
It was you that broke the rules,
And you should just man up
And take what was coming to you.
Instead of trying to blame
Everyone and anyone
But you.
That little boy
Never said at all,
“It’s not my fault!”
When he knew it was.

That little boy
Was not afraid to dance.
Was not afraid to sing.
Was not afraid to laugh,
And smile.
Or scream,
And cry.

What happened to that little boy
From so long ago
That knew so many things
I no longer know?

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The Prompt Was A Song

I wanted to try my hand
At a new flash fiction challenge.
So last night,
I visited the site
Of the challenge.
I reviewed the rules,
To make sure I knew
What I was doing.
And then I read the prompt.

The prompt was a song.
One I’d never heard before.
The kind of music
I don’t listen to.
But, change is good.
Different is good too.
So I listened to the song.
To see what I could come up with
In 500 words or less,
When using the song
As a source of inspiration.

And over and over again
That song said just one thing.
“C’mon. Talk.”

That’s when I became
Overwhelmed.
Overloaded.

Memories flooded me.
Of countless times
I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t say a word.
Times my voice,
My body,
My emotions,
All ran wild.
And I couldn’t talk at all.

Times when I was a church.
In high school.
35 years ago.
“Talk to me!”
She begged.
She pleaded.
And I couldn’t say a word.

I wanted to!
Oh, God, how I wanted to!
No one will ever know
How much I wished
I could have found a way
To talk.

But that part of me
Just didn’t work.
No matter what I did.
No matter how I tried.

The times the church group
Had an event,
Where everyone attended.
And I wound up
Left out
Yet again.

Because I couldn’t talk.
I couldn’t ask
To be let in.
I couldn’t say,
“Don’t leave me as
The odd one out
Again.”

The times my friends
All said to me,
“You can’t be that way.
It’s wrong.
You have to change.”

And I wanted to ask why.
What was I doing wrong.
How could they be
The way they were.
I didn’t understand.

But no words ever came.
No words ever came.

My days in college
Were the same.
There were times
I couldn’t talk.

I remember the computer lab
On one Friday morning
Around 0500 hours.
When the pretty girl and I
Sat in the lab.
Waiting for the computers
To come back on-line
From maintenance,
As we ate junk food
From 7-11.

I remember how
I never really said a word.
Hell,
It never even occurred to me
To ask her out
To a movie.

I let her talk,
When she wanted to.
But like always
I couldn’t find a thing
To say.

Not one damn thing.

The list of memories
Goes on and on and on.
The stories are so plentiful
They all blur together.

Like one from July,
Just 2 years ago.
When a friend of mine
Saw me walking in the hall
At work.

She took me by the hand
And said so many times,
“Talk to me, Mark.
Talk to me, please!”

It was the first time
I found any words at all.
And she will never know
How hard it was to talk.
How much it hurt my
Physically.
To say just two words.
“Don’t leave.”

I’ve learned,
After all these years,
What was going on.
That my inability to talk
Was just another symptom
Of my ASD.
That sometimes things just happen
That overwhelm me.

I can’t figure those things out.
And I feel completely lost.
Not knowing what to do.
Not knowing what to say.
With a million thoughts
Racing through my mind
All at the same time.

Everything locks up.
And I just can’t talk.

If you ever talk with me.
And you find a time
When I can’t say a word.
Please know
It’s not that I don’t want
To talk with you.

It’s that I’m overwhelmed.
That I need time to clear my head.
I need time to think.
And that I don’t understand at all
What’s happening
Right then.

It’s that I just don’t understand
At all.