Knight : Knight’s End

It was Monday,
October 25th,
2010.

The final day
Of Chevalier Blanc.
The day the White Knight
Came to his end.

It was 0830 hours
On that Monday morning
When I knew
Everything was over.
Everything was done.
And I would never return
To the place I’d worked
For the past 13 years.

It was 0830 hours
When my boss said to me,
“We’ve received a request
From the customer.
They want you to not contact
Anyone you worked with
Any more.”

I swear to you
That my heart stopped.
Completely.
For a time.

I could not think.
I could not feel.
All there was
Was complete oblivion.

I remember walking that day.
Three separate times.
Until my toes and heels
Both bleed.
And parts of my socks
Were stained blood red.

I remember stepping through
The procedures
For initiating Family Medical Leave.
The phone calls
Made to everywhere.
To tell them
What was going on.

I remember my doctor
Saying these words to me.
“Go home.
Now.”

I don’t remember
Anything I said
To anyone.
Anything I felt.
Whether I was angry,
Or just hurt.

All I remember
Are the words I wrote.
And those words
Said it all.

Have you ever lived through
A panic attack
That lasted days and days?
According to my doctor
On October 25th
Of 2010,
I began doing just that.

That when I was told
I couldn’t contact
Anyone at all
I fell into an attack.
That lasted for at least
Five solid days.

And the only memories I have
Of the entire experience
Are the memories I captured
In the words I wrote
Back then.
And in the days that followed.

I know that I was wounded.
I know that I was hurt.
But I never understood
Just how much,
Until the day in September
When I finally cried
From the hurt
That I’d been through.

And I know
That on that Monday,
October 25th,
Of 2010.
The time of the White Knight
Came to its end.

And the Knight was gone.
Forever more.
No one will see him again.

And now,
As I close my eyes,
And remember the Knight
That I once was.
I can see him
Prone upon the ground.
His glassy eyes
Looking straight up
At the sky.
His blood
All around.

There is a hole
There in his chest
Where his heart once was.
And his heart itself
Is completely gone.

There is no White Knight
Any more.
Chevalier Blanc
Is gone.

Dawn

[Author’s Note: I wrote these words on Monday, 25 October 2010. These words have turned out to be prophetic, as if I knew then how things would turn out.]

I stand here.
In the middle of nowhere.
No one is around.
Nothing is around.
The ground is bare.
No trees.
No clouds.
No grass.
No animals.
No plants.

There is nothing here.
Nothing at all.

Everyone I knew.
Everything I knew.
Is all gone.

I stand here.
Alone.

As I have always been.

I have done
What I could
To protect
My princess.
And the heirs
We have raised.
And I know
As I stand here
In this desolate
Forbidding
Place.

My princess
Is safe.
And I would kill
To keep her
That way.

The darkness
Broke.
With the coming
Of the dawn.
Today.

And I walk
Once again.
In the light.

Into a new world.
Into a new future.
One I get to build.
From nothing.

Always.
The first dawn
Is the harshest.
The one
Where I don’t know
What to do.
And don’t know
What I want.
Or who I am.
Any more.

I have been here.
In such a desolate place.
Many times before.
And always,
I have found a way
To build a new life.
For me.
And my family.
And my princess.

One thing I have learned.
One thing I will change
In this new place.
In this new world.
In this new life.

The White Knight
Is dead.
It is his rules
And his ways
That have lead me
Here.

And now that he
Is gone.
I have to face
Once more
The same question
I have always faced.
When I stand here
In such a place.
Where my new life
In a new world
Starts.

Who am I?

It is the answer
To this single question
That will determine
Everything I build
In this new land
I now walk in.

Every one
And everything
That was
Is gone.

But I have protected
My princess.
And my family.

And one other.
For I gave that one
My word.

And I know
As I walk
In this new land.
In this new place.

My word has always been
All I am.
And all I ever shall be.

And in time,
As I build
A new home.
In this new landscape.
I will bring them here.
From where I have put them.
From where they are safe.
And they can see
Just who it is
That I will have
Become.

Until then
I will know
That they are safe
And sound.
And whole.
From the destruction
That has been wrought
To everything
That was.

And now
I must start
Once more
To find an answer
To that single
Question.

Who am I?