#12DaysBop : Day 6 – The Sun Sends Its Regards

It’s day 6 of Stacy Hoyt’s 12 Days Of Christmas Blog Hop. Today, we get a gift from the sun…

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We all knew the sun could be violent. We’d all watched solar flares and coronal mass ejections in the past. Some had been large enough to send massive amounts of particles across the 93 million miles between us and the sun. We’d never seen anything like this.

We knew it was a solar mass ejection. But it dwarfed everything we’d ever seen. And it just kept going. And going. And going. I tried to find the words to describe the images. I gave up. “Oh, shit.,” was all I could come up with.

After a couple of hours of watching, Nathan broke the silence. “I think I’ll go find a beach somewhere.” Then he walked out. I thought he’d had a brilliant idea, so I followed him.

We bought a stupefying amount of beer on our way to the beach. Carried it all out on the sand with us. We stood there, watching the waves and getting stinking drunk.

This was it. The mythical mega flare. A solar flare so ginormous it would sterilize the whole damn planet. We’d watched the satellite’s image feed for two hours after the flare had started. When we left it was still going. We’d never forget what we saw. It was burned into our memories.

The flare would take several days to reach us. When it did, it would last for days. It would fry every satellite and melt the global electric grid. Everything electric would short-circuit. Forests would ignite. Houses would burn. The oceans would turn to steam.

The Sun had spoken. Life would have to start over.

“Been nice knowing you, Steve.”

“You too, Nathan.”

We sat down on the beach, with our beers. And waited.

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Please go enjoy the rest of the stories in the blog hop. There are some really gifted writers out there. It’s well worth reading their work. You can find the other entries here:

The 12 Days Of Christmas Blog Hop, Day 6 – The Gift Of Sun

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#TimonyChallenge #DiabolicalDeeds, Day 2, Calu

Looking at the wolf I learned the meaning of cacaesthesia. Soon, I would know nothing but pain.  Shapeless beings held me. We stood before an ocean or melted rock. Whisps of that rock floated, like steam, above that ocean. I was drowning in the caliginous environment.

The wolf had many names. Hades. Pluto. Calu. Satan. Fire filled his eyes. His coat was pure fire. He growled, snapped his teeth and the beings holding me hurled me into it. For every heartbeat, every breath, for all time, I would only know the endless pain of being burned alive.

100 Words
@LurchMunster

I’m Not Broken

Overwhelmed.
That’s a good word.
Very descriptive
Of how I feel
So very often.

Like now.

I keep telling myself
I’m not broken.
I’m not defective.
I’m not a failure.

I’m just different.

I keep reminding myself
There are others like me
Out there.
In the world.
That I’m really
Not alone.

And sometimes,
Despite everything.
Everything I’ve learned.
Everything I’ve experienced.
Everything I’ve been through.
I still feel
Broken.
Wrong.
Defective.

So, here I am.
Sitting at my desk.
Staring at the display.
Reading posts on facebook.
Reading tweets on twitter.
And oceans of flash fiction
Challenge entries.

I’ve tried explaining this
To my lady.
At least a billion times.
I’m not sure she understands.
But at least she knows.
What every day is like
For me.

Have you ever sat at a table,
In a restaurant,
With a group of people
You work with?
One of those lunch out things.
Someone’s leaving.
Someone’s getting older.
Someone’s getting married.
Yeah.
A lunch like one of those.

I bet you didn’t sit there
Praying to God above
You had any clue at all
About what was going on.
Wishing you could understand
How people could so easily
Talk to each other.
Moving from one conversation
To another.

I bet you didn’t sit there
Trying to figure out
How the person next to you
Knew when to smile.
Knew when to laugh.
Knew when to shut up
And be quiet.

I bet you didn’t sit there
Feeling like a failure.
Because every time you look around
Everyone but you
Is talking,
And having fun.
Telling stories.
Telling jokes.

And you don’t have a clue
How they know to do
The things they do.

It’s like I missed something
When I was growing up.
Like I never learned
A certain set of skills.
And now,
I’m stuck.
And never will.
No matter how hard,
Or how long
I try.

I was too stupid
To learn.
And now,
I’ll always feel that way
When I’m in a group.

I bet you don’t feel that way,
Do you.

I’ve left people behind
Many times before.
Because I couldn’t bridge the gap
Between myself and them.
Because I couldn’t understand
All the things they took for granted.
All the things they knew
Every body knows.

All the things they tell me
I’m supposed to know,
That I don’t even know
Are there.

I find myself feeling
Even now,
That I should burn
More bridges down.
Un-follow everyone on Twitter.
Un-friend every friend on Facebook.
To keep them safe from me.
So I won’t hurt them
When I do something,
When I say something,
I don’t know
I shouldn’t.

I find myself terrified,
Once more,
At the thought
Of being told,
“You can’t be that way.”
“You can’t do that.”
“You can’t say that.”
“What’s wrong with you.”
Once more.
Like I’ve been told
So many times before.

And always when I ask
That one word question,
“Why?”
I get the same answers,
“Because.”
“How can you not know?”
“Everyone knows why.”
“Quit playing games.”
“Grow up.”

No one understands
That I don’t know.
I really don’t.

And have you noticed
No one ever can explain?
No one ever answers
That single question,
“Why?”

I used to think
I was broken.
Defective in some way.
Because I never could fit in.
But I’ve learned otherwise.
I’ve learned the truth of me.
And others like me.
Living in a world
We never made.

In my case
It’s all caused
By my Autism Spectrum Disorder.
And I find it downright funny
That it’s been named
A disorder.

Kind of like saying
That a V8 car engine
Is an anomaly.

It’s not a disorder to me.
It’s just the way things are.
The way that I was born.
I’m just wired
A little differently.
That’s all.

There’s nothing wrong with me.
I’m just different.
As I’m supposed to be.

And I’ve learned.
When I get that feeling
That I should block out
Everyone.
To keep them safe from me.
I’m just feeling tired.
And overwhelmed.
By the time and effort
That it takes me
Just to keep up with
People around me.

And all I really need
Is to give myself some time
To step through all the things
That have me overwhelmed.
And process them.
And when that’s done
I know.

I don’t have to leave.
I don’t have to run.
I don’t have to burn
Any bridges down.

I just have to let the people
That I know,
The people that know me,
Know that sometimes
I just have to take a break
To catch up to everything.

That I’m not like them.
That it’s hard for  me
To keep up with
More than a few people
At one time.

And keeping up
Just overwhelms me
From time to time.

And once I take that break
Then I’ll be OK.

Until the next time
I get overwhelmed.

It’s a cycle
That will never end.
I know.

But that doesn’t mean
That it won’t change with time.
As I learn to let the people
Around me know.

I’m not broken.
And I’m not going away.
That I really can
Be the way I am.
And they’ll just have to accept
That every now and then
I get overwhelmed.
And just have to stop,
And take a break.

I’m not broken.
I’m just different.
OK.

Now,
About that break.

Perhaps It’s Time

I stared into the mirror.
For a long time.
Trying to find something.
Anything.
Positive to say.
Positive to think.

All I could see
Was a trail of destruction.
A trail of fire.
A trail of anger.
Rage.
And pain.

It’s no one’s fault.
I know that.
What happened.
It’s no one’s fault.
Trying to blame someone
Would be like trying
To hold someone responsible
For the rain.

It rains where it rains.
It rains when it rains.
No one is to blame.

I used to think I’d grown.
Think I’d changed.
Believed I’d gotten through
The worst of things.
That I understood
The world I never made.
And could cope with it.
Live in it.
Let it be
The way it is.

Heartless.
Ruthless.
Cold.
Savage.
And so very gray
To me.

I stared into the mirror
For a while.
Oh the things I said
Inside my head.
To myself.

I’ve tried.
God, how I’ve tried.
I try every day.
To keep that last bridge
Between the life I had.
And the life that’s growing now.

With what happened today.
I’m not sure I can.
Not sure it’s worth
The pain.
The effort.
The stress.

It takes so very much
To not be angry.
When everyone you knew
Abandoned you.
Just because
You changed.

And it’s not really like I changed.
Not really that at all.
The truth is far more simple.
Far more plain.

I woke up.
I opened my eyes.
Like Neo
In the Matrix.
I unplugged.

I live in a world these days
That is filled with color.
With people that are so
Very much alive.
People that embrace
Change.
And let me be
Who I am.
Let me believe
What I believe.
That don’t expect me
To be just like them.

Except for that bridge.

I don’t want to burn that sucker down.
I don’t.
There are people on the other side
I really do like.
That honestly
Just don’t understand
Me.
And why I’ve become
So very critical
About the way things are.

I let them be their way.
I try.
Oh, how I try.
To not say anything.
To let them do
What they believe.
Live how they believe.
Be how they believe.

I’ve asked God now
For better than one year
To not give up on them.
To find a way
Somehow.
To wake them up.
Like He did me.

But I know
They won’t.
They won’t ever see.
Won’t ever know.
Won’t ever change.

They don’t see any reason to.
They don’t see any need.
To them
Everything’s the way
It’s supposed to be.
Or just so damn close
That it’s close enough.
That they’re OK
With the way things are.

I know so very many
New people now.
The kind of people
That the folks
On the other side
Of the bridge
Wouldn’t understand.
Wouldn’t accept.
Would ask me what I see
In them.

They’d call my new friends
Evil.
Call them wrong.
Call them sinners.
Heathen.
The Devil’s spawn.

I stared into the mirror
For a while today.
Oh, the things I had to say
To me.
They would hurt you
If you heard them.
I know this.

And in the end
I have to ask
If it’s time.
Time to take
Another step.
And burn that one last bridge
To the ground.

Can I leave that bridge standing
And ever truly be free
From the self-hatred,
Self-abuse,
And self-denial
That once owned me.
In that world
I never made.

I wish I knew the answer.
I wish I knew.

Now, I have to think a while
And figure out.
What I will do.
What’s best for me.
So that I can take
The next step forward
In this new life
I’ve been given.

Perhaps the best thing
I could do
Is nothing.
Is just watch.
And wait.
And see.
What the people
On the far side
Of that bridge do.

Maybe I won’t have to do a thing.
Maybe they’ll burn down that bridge.
To keep their world
Safe from my new friends.
Safe from me.

Time Heals

I’ve been wounded.
Emotionally.
By a world
I never made.
A world that’s cold.
Harsh.
Heartless.
Ruthless
And violent.

And I’m still here.
I haven’t gone away.
I haven’t given up.
I’m still here.
Trying yet again.

Because I know.
I understand.

Wounds take time to heal.

But as I sit here,
I can’t help but feel
Sadness and remorse.
I can’t help but feel
The aching of my heart.
I can’t help but feel
The tears my soul cries.

Every time
I open my eyes.
And look around.

I’ve spoken before.
This I know.
But there’s so much to say.
So very much.

If you blister your hand
On the stove top
When you’re cooking
One day.
Do you stop?
Do you stop cooking?
Do you never cook again?
Do you cower in fear,
Unable to go near
Your own kitchen
Once again?

If you have a flat tire
On your car.
And you scrape the hide
Off of your knuckles
As you change that flat,
Do you stop?
Do you stop driving?
So you won’t ever have to face
Another flat tire
In your life?
Do you refuse to drive
Alone?

And yet,
If she screams at you.
If she calls you names.
If she says she wishes
You were dead.
Do you stop?
Do you never speak to her
Again?
Do you lock your memories away?
Dig a hole for them
In your back yard.
Bury them.
So they never bother you
Again?

If you break your leg
While skiing down a mountain
In the ice and snow,
Do you stop?
Do you put your skis away,
Never touching them again?
Do you pretend
You never skied at all,
In all your days?

If you catch the flu
From caring for a friend
While they are sick,
And need someone’s help.
Someone to care for them.
Do you stop?
Do you never care
For any of your friends
Ever again?
Just because they’re ill.
And you might catch
What they’ve got?

If everyone you know
Abandons you.
Never speaks to you again.
Walks away
When they see you.
What do you do?
Do you stop?
Do you stop caring at all
For the people around you?
Do you stop making friends
With the people you see
Every day that your alive?

What do you do?

If you are depressed.
Feeling very blue.
Knowing there is nothing
You can do
To fix that
On your own.
Feeling like your life
Is all but over.
Feeling trapped
In the life you lead.
Wishing that the pain
Of your life
Would end.

What do you do?

If he turns one day.
And walks away.
“I’ll never speak to you again.”
And your feel as if your heart
Will never beat again.
As if the colors of the world
Have all been replaced
By shades of gray.
As if someone
Just impaled your soul
On a 10 foot metal stake.

What do you do?

Do you learn
To never love again?
Do you learn
To never feel again?
Do you learn to say,
“There’s nothing I can do?”
Or
“I can’t get involved.”
Or
“I’ll keep a safe distance
Away from you.
So I won’t get hurt too?”

If you bruise your ribs
Playing paint ball
With your friends.
And it hurts like hell.
For several days.
Makes it hard to breathe
Without feeling pain.

What do you do?
Do you tell everyone
You’re sorry.
But you’ll never join them
For another trip
To the paintball place?

Or do you know
That the bruises,
And the breaks.
The nicks,
And the dings.
The cuts
And the scrapes
Are all just part of life.
And you’re going
To have to deal with them.
Because bruises,
Breaks and nicks,
Dings and cuts
And scrapes
Are just going to happen.
And you can’t avoid them
No matter what you do?

So you deal with them.
And then go on with life.
Doing what you did
To get hurt in the first place.

If you understand that,
Then I have a question for you.

If life breaks your heart.
Tears your world apart.
Reduces you to tears
Of pain.

Do you stop?

Or do you take
The time it takes
For wounds to heal?

Because you know
Time heals
Everything.

And sometimes
You just have to deal
With pain.

A Clip From Chapter 25 Of JuNoWriMo 2012

Sunshine slept in her little home. Where she felt so very safe. She hadn’t felt like she belonged anywhere at all for a long time. But now, she felt like she was home. Like she belonged with Mystica. At the lake. In her little home.

She’d gone to sleep. Like she’d done for the first four nights. But on this night, while she slept, she dreamed. And her dreams turned into nightmares.

She dreamed of a fire. A big fire. And her father was trapped in that fire. He couldn’t fly. He couldn’t get away. And she wanted so very much to help him. But she was so little. She didn’t even have real wings yet. Just little tiny wings. Her wings had just started to grow out. So she couldn’t fly.

The fire raged. And she could hear her father scream, as the fire reached him. She was so desperate she tried to run into the fire to save her father. But the fire was too hot. She had to run back out. And her own hair, and her clothes, were on fire. Someone had thrown a bucket of water on her, dousing out the flames. But she was hurt. Her hair was ruined. She had burns on her face, hands, legs and back. And she hurt all over. In her nightmare, her father kept on screaming. But she couldn’t save him. She couldn’t help him.

And then, his screams stopped. And Sunshine knew. He was dead. He was gone. Burned alive in the fire. She couldn’t save him. She couldn’t help him.

In her sleep, she tossed and turned. Rolling all over her bed. And as she did, the weather outside took a turn for the worse. As she ran into the fire in that nightmare she was having, lightning struck the clearing by the lake. And it set fire to the grasses. As she was hurt by the flames in her nightmare, lightning struck the lake. And then it struck several trees. And the wind began to blow.

As Sunshine’s father screamed in the roaring fires, the winds outside blew worse and worse. And the fire on the grasses began to spread. Reaching the trees. The winds blew small tree limbs off of trees, and added them to the fire.

As her father’s screams fell silent, Sunshine began to cry. And outside, it began to rain. A heavy rain. That doused out all the flames. But the wind continued howling.

It was bad enough that it woke Mystica up. At first she wasn’t sure what was happening. Other than there was a nasty storm outside. But then the realized the storm was caused by Sunshine while she slept. And that meant just one thing. Sunshine was having a nightmare.

Mystica hadn’t even bothered to take the time to dress. She’d raced out of her home, and hurtled across the lake to the home of Sunshine. Where she’d peeked into her daughter’s home. And saw her crying on the bed.

“My daddy’s gone. My daddy’s gone.” Was all Sunshine said.

Mystica had taken Sunshine from her little home that night. And carried her across the lake. Where she tucked her into bed. And Sunshine spent the rest of that night sleeping with her new mother.