My Stained Glass Window

[I have always known what was going on. I have always understood. A memory. From Thursday, 11 November 2010. Less than three weeks after everything that was had come to an end.

Mark.]
I’ve been walking
Through the remains
Of who I was.
The me that shattered.
Like a plate of glass.
When a brick hits it.

Little shards of glass,
Fragments of who I was.
Scattered.
Everywhere.
And like that shattered glass,
All the kings horses
And all the kings men
Can never put who I was
Back together again.

As I’ve said all along.
I will never be the same.

But as I wander
Through the remains
Of the life that was
I find things of value
Here and there.
That I don’t want to lose.

But you can’t put shards of glass
Into a new glass plate,
Can you.

Shards of glass are used
In stained glass windows
Don’t you know.
Works of art
That they become
Made for nothing but
Tiny bits of colored
Broken
Glass.

And as I walk along,
Through the shards of glass
That are all that remain
Of who I used to be.
I understand what it is
That I will become.

For I will collect
Shards of glass
From what I used to be.
And sculpt them
Carefully.

And I’ll stain
Each and every shard.
In the colors
I want them to be.

Day by day,
And step by step,
I’ll find new shards of glass.
For the parts of the new me
That I’m going to someday be.

And I’ll take all the parts,
Both the old ones
And the new.
And working carefully,
And patiently,
Like an artist would,
Making stained glass art.

I will put together
A new
Stained glass
Me.

And that stained glass me,
Will be more beautiful
That any plate glass window
Can every be.

And more beautiful
Than the former me.

It will take time,
I know.
But isn’t it so true
That anything worth doing
Just takes time
To do?

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Dawn

[Author’s Note : This is a re-post of the words I wrote on Monday, 25 October 2010. The day that Chevalier Blanc came to his end. These words leave no doubt that I knew what was happening to me. And how everything would turn out.]

I stand here.
In the middle of nowhere.
No one is around.
Nothing is around.
The ground is bare.
No trees.
No clouds.
No grass.
No animals.
No plants.

There is nothing here.
Nothing at all.

Everyone I knew.
Everything I knew.
Is all gone.

I stand here.
Alone.

As I have always been.

I have done
What I could
To protect
My princess.
And the heirs
We have raised.
And I know
As I stand here
In this desolate
Forbidding
Place.

My princess
Is safe.
And I would kill
To keep her
That way.

The darkness
Broke.
With the coming
Of the dawn.
Today.

And I walk
Once again.
In the light.

Into a new world.
Into a new future.
One I get to build.
From nothing.

Always.
The first dawn
Is the harshest.
The one
Where I don’t know
What to do.
And don’t know
What I want.
Or who I am.
Any more.

I have been here.
In such a desolate place.
Many times before.
And always,
I have found a way
To build a new life.
For me.
And my family.
And my princess.

One thing I have learned.
One thing I will change
In this new place.
In this new world.
In this new life.

The White Knight
Is dead.
It is his rules
And his ways
That have lead me
Here.

And now that he
Is gone.
I have to face
Once more
The same question
I have always faced.
When I stand here
In such a place.
Where my new life
In a new world
Starts.

Who am I?

It is the answer
To this single question
That will determine
Everything I build
In this new land
I now walk in.

Every one
And everything
That was
Is gone.

But I have protected
My princess.
And my family.

And one other.
For I gave that one
My word.

And I know
As I walk
In this new land.
In this new place.

My word has always been
All I am.
And all I ever shall be.

And in time,
As I build
A new home.
In this new landscape.
I will bring them here.
From where I have put them.
From where they are safe.
And they can see
Just who it is
That I will have
Become.

Until then
I will know
That they are safe
And sound.
And whole.
From the destruction
That has been wrought
To everything
That was.

And now
I must start
Once more
To find an answer
To that single
Question.

Who am I?

Dawn

[Author’s Note: I wrote these words on Monday, 25 October 2010. These words have turned out to be prophetic, as if I knew then how things would turn out.]

I stand here.
In the middle of nowhere.
No one is around.
Nothing is around.
The ground is bare.
No trees.
No clouds.
No grass.
No animals.
No plants.

There is nothing here.
Nothing at all.

Everyone I knew.
Everything I knew.
Is all gone.

I stand here.
Alone.

As I have always been.

I have done
What I could
To protect
My princess.
And the heirs
We have raised.
And I know
As I stand here
In this desolate
Forbidding
Place.

My princess
Is safe.
And I would kill
To keep her
That way.

The darkness
Broke.
With the coming
Of the dawn.
Today.

And I walk
Once again.
In the light.

Into a new world.
Into a new future.
One I get to build.
From nothing.

Always.
The first dawn
Is the harshest.
The one
Where I don’t know
What to do.
And don’t know
What I want.
Or who I am.
Any more.

I have been here.
In such a desolate place.
Many times before.
And always,
I have found a way
To build a new life.
For me.
And my family.
And my princess.

One thing I have learned.
One thing I will change
In this new place.
In this new world.
In this new life.

The White Knight
Is dead.
It is his rules
And his ways
That have lead me
Here.

And now that he
Is gone.
I have to face
Once more
The same question
I have always faced.
When I stand here
In such a place.
Where my new life
In a new world
Starts.

Who am I?

It is the answer
To this single question
That will determine
Everything I build
In this new land
I now walk in.

Every one
And everything
That was
Is gone.

But I have protected
My princess.
And my family.

And one other.
For I gave that one
My word.

And I know
As I walk
In this new land.
In this new place.

My word has always been
All I am.
And all I ever shall be.

And in time,
As I build
A new home.
In this new landscape.
I will bring them here.
From where I have put them.
From where they are safe.
And they can see
Just who it is
That I will have
Become.

Until then
I will know
That they are safe
And sound.
And whole.
From the destruction
That has been wrought
To everything
That was.

And now
I must start
Once more
To find an answer
To that single
Question.

Who am I?

Fatigue

Thursday, 04 September 2008

Fatigue

Today,
My soul cries out.
My heart is torn.
If I remembered how,
I would cry.

For those that are lost.
That can not see
The truth.
That can not see
The lies.

I understand
The choice they have made.
To close their eyes.
To cover their ears.
To turn to stone.

I know why.
They have seen too much.
Too many souls,
Friends,
Enemies.
It doesn’t matter.
Too many souls.
Wounded.
Broken.

How many dreams
Can you watch die?
How many lies
Can you hear?
How many times
Can you watch children
Killing children?

I remember
When he died.
I don’t know who he is.
Who he was.
Struck by a car.
An accident.
He died.

I remember
Too many stories
In the news.
How parents
Murdered their children.
Innocents.

I understand
The choice they have made.
To cover their ears.
To close their eyes.
To turn to stone.

Lost.
Unable to find
Who they are.
Unable to remember
How to smile.
How to cry.
How to laugh.

No longer able
To feel the breeze.
To feel the sun.
To feel their own breathing.
Their own heart’s beating.

Lost.

Looking for hope.
Salvation.
Something.
Anything.
Outside themselves.

New job.
New car.
New house.
Divorce.
Another drink.

Lost.

They can’t remember
To be happy
Is a choice.

Today,
My soul cries out.
How many lost
Can I stand
To see?