It is not my way to share words I have written, other than those that are fiction, created by thoughts, and all kinds of dreams, of worlds, and events that have never happened, and will never be.
But, there are those who wish to understand what drives me. What causes me to behave the way I behave. And it’s shockingly simple to understand. And while many would say it’s simple to fix, and correct, I know it’s not.
What follows is the best description you will ever have of me. The best answer to the question, “Why?”
Something I never told you. And part of what’s causing all this.
Brother David, and Mom, and Dad, screamed at each other. Seriously. They fought. I can remember hiding in my room, back in middle and high schools. And putting my headphones on. And turning the volume up until I couldn’t hear anything but the music. To drown out them fighting again.
And now, I’m dealing with endless screaming on Facebook. And it’s digging up old wounds that I buried a long time ago.
It doesn’t have anything to do with the topics, really. When you get down to the root causes, it has to do with how I deal with conflict.
I don’t deal with conflict.
I will literally walk away, and never come back, to avoid conflict. Because. Screaming. Stop. The. Screaming. Fighting. Stop. The. Fighting. Raw. Ragged. Emotions.
I have to escape. I have no option here. I have to escape.
This is what’s happening with me, right now. Everywhere I look. Every day. At work. At home. On social media. On the radio. At dinner out. At breakfast out. It’s everywhere. I can’t escape. I can’t.
And I’m at a loss for what to do. Because. All I can do is put on my headphones. And turn up the volume. And drown out the world.
So I can’t hear the conflict anymore. So the parts of me that are gone. The parts that are permanently damaged. So I can’t and don’t have to face them.
I keep hearing the fights I heard when I was growing up. Every time these topics show up. And I know I can’t do anything. I can’t leave. I couldn’t leave then. I can’t reason with anyone. I couldn’t then. I can’t fix things. I couldn’t then.
And I’m searching. Seeking. Hunting. Desperately. And more desperately all the time. For a way to make the noise stop. For a way to make the screaming stop.
I. Can’t. Make. It. Stop…