Thoughts Denied

We all have them.
Thoughts we deny we have.
Feelings we don’t admit to.
Hatred we pretend isn’t there.
We all have them.
And we deny they exist.
We pretend we don’t.
We pretend we’re better than that.

We lie.
To ourselves.
All the time.

Let me explain.
Let me illustrate.
Let me show you
An example
Of what you deny.

This week
My autistic mind showed me
The picture of a gun.
An AR-15.
An ugly machine.
Designed with one purpose.
With one objective.
To make it easy
To kill.

Above that picture of a gun
My mind wrote the words,
“Tired of finding out she used to be him?”
Then, below the picture of the gun
My mind wrote the words,
“There’s a cure for that.”

And I knew so much about that image
Painted in my head.
I knew so many people
Who feel that way.
Though they won’t admit it.
Though they’ll deny it.
They’ll scream at you,
“How could you think I feel that way?”
“Do you have any idea how wrong that is?”
“I don’t condone using a gun in that way!”

The list goes on and on.

But the louder they scream.
The louder they deny the truth.
Of what they feel,
Don’t they.

It happens all the time,
Doesn’t it.
These types of lies.
These denials.
When we pretend we aren’t that way.
When we pretend we don’t feel that way.

But it shows,
Doesn’t it.
It always shows.
“Let’s just shoot all the trans people,
And be done with it.
Life would be simpler.”

Little glimpses of the truth.
Hidden beneath the words.
Hidden beneath the lies.

Lies like this one.
The words above the picture
Of a syringe,
“Putting my kids at risk by not vaccinating yours?”
And the words below the syringe
“Let me stab you in the eyes with this.”

Little glimpses of the truth.
The unspoken words.
The denied reality.
No one admits is there.
No one dares admit is there.

The words above the picture
Of another AR-15.
“People keep cutting ahead of you in line?”
And then the words below.
“There’s a cure for that.”

Little thoughts.
They flash through our brain cells.
Like single frames of a movie.
Blink, and you miss them.
“Did I really see that?”
“Did I really think that?”
“No.”
“I’m not that way.”
“That’s not how I feel.”

But always.
Always.
That image.
It turns up.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Without end.

And always.
We lie.
To ourselves.
“That’s not right.”
“I’m not like that.”

So many thoughts
We can’t face.
So many thoughts.
We can’t have.
So many thoughts.
That are just wrong.
Flat wrong.
And we’re not like that.

Thoughts that are always there.
Thoughts always hidden.
Thoughts always ignored.
Locked away.
Behind our lies.

So very many
Thoughts denied.

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