How Do I Explain?

How do I explain?
How can I explain?
What is there to say?
When you can’t feel the sun?
Can’t feel the heat it makes.
Can’t feel the warmth.
Can’t feel the safety.
The certainty.
That it will always be there.

When you can’t feel the breeze.
The breeze you love so much.
The way it flows between your fingers.
Across the palms of your hands.
The way it touches you,
And lets you know you are alive.
And you can still feel.
Still care.
Still be.

When you can’t answer her.
When she asks,
“Are you OK.”
And all you can do
Is shrug.
And nod.
And mumble.
“I’m fine.”

What is there to say
When you wish
The numbness would go away.
When you wish you could feel.
Anything.
Hot.
Cold.
Sharp.
Blunt.
Bruising.
Blistering.
Tender.
Anything at all.
Anything but numb.

What is there to say
When you’ve given up on prayer
To some mythical God.
“Save me, God.
Mend me.
Heal me.”
When you know,
After 57 years.
It’s never going to happen.
And you’ll be this way
Always.

What is there to say
When the words are gone.
Meaningless.
Mindless.
Useless.

And all you want
Is for the numbness to be gone.
The emptiness.

What do I say
When there is nothing to say.
And all I can do is wait.
20 years.
30 years.
Or more.

Until the machine that is this body,
Finally,
Mercifully,
Stops.

And the numbness goes away.

If you don’t understand,
Know this.
There are things in life
You will never know.
And perhaps.
Just perhaps.
That is life’s gift to you.

But,
If you understand.
If you know
What it is
To feel nothing.
If you know.

Then know this too.

My soul cries for you.

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