I Hate Driving

Well.
Here I am again.
Getting in my car.
Going to drive somewhere.

Crap.

I hate driving.

No.
Not really.
Driving’s actually fun.
The driving part of driving,
That is.

The rest of driving
I could easily live without.
Except I can’t avoid it.
‘Cause, you know.
Other people drive.
Which is why I say

I hate driving.

Time to shut the door.
Buckle your ass in the car,
Idiot.
You know damn well why.
One word.
Physics.
Do you have any idea
How many idiots on the road
Drive like physics
Doesn’t exist?

I call it the Animated Cartoon Rule.
Gravity doesn’t work for them
As long as they don’t think about it.
The way people drive,
I think they feel that same way
About physics.

Fucking idiots.

Trouble is,
I have to drive
Among them.
Surrounded by them.

Turn the car on, dummy.
No being late.
Now, put it in reverse,
And before you go anywhere,
Look for other humans
And their cars.

Oh.
Look.
There’s one.
About 3 blocks away.
Think I’ll sit here.
Speed limits 25, I know.
But they’ll do 30 at least.
Every time I’ve tried backing out
When someone’s that far away,
I end up in their way.

Have you ever seen the face
Of someone you backed out
In front of?
That look that says,
“I should fucking run into you.
And then sue you.
I’d fucking win in court.”
Yeah.
That look.

I hate driving.

OK.
The idiot’s moved past me.
Now, look for other idiots.
You know they’re there.
You know how people drive.
Are we clear?
Good.

Back out of the driveway.
Now into first gear.
And away we go.
To the stop sign.
At the corner.

It’s a stop sign.
That means you stop.
Thank God no one’s behind me.
Sometimes I think
I’m the only one
In my entire neighborhood
That actually stops here.
And doesn’t slow down,
Glace both directions,
And then floor it.

Look.
Another car.
Way down there.
Heading this way.
Yep.
I’ll sit here.
Let that one go first.
So I don’t get in their way.

See.
I’ll do 25 at best.
Residential neighborhood.
People walk on the roads.
Rabbits.
Cats.
Dogs.
There’s a reason
There’s road kill on the roads.

Stupid people.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.

Great.
Someone’s behind me now.
While I wait for traffic to clear.
Yep.
There’s that look again.
The, “What the fuck’s your problem!” look.
Yep.
There he goes.
Trying to push me into the road.
And there’s the other look.
The, “Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drive!” look.
Yep.

Ah.
The car has cleared.
Now, I can go.
Put it in gear, and turn right.
And,
Sure enough.
The dingbat behind me
Never even looked.
Just road my ass
All the way through the corner.

And there’s that other look.
The “You ain’t riding the ass
Of the car in front of you!” look.
Yeah.
I get that all the time.
I’d scream at him,
“It’s a physics thing, you idiot!”
But he wouldn’t understand.

And.
Stoplight.
Red, as usual.
Ah.
Look at the idiot.
Soon as it spreads to 4 lanes,
What’s he do?
Come screaming around me
In the left lane,
Then smacks on his brakes
So he don’t hit the cars
Already stopped for the light.

“Hey, dingbat!
There’s a reason I wasn’t driving stupid!”
You have any idea how many times
I’ve wanted to scream that?

Now, wait for the light to turn green.
Be ready to pop the clutch,
And pour gas
On the ground.
‘Cause the bitch
Behind you
Is going to push you
Into the car in front of you
If you don’t get the fuck
Out of her way.

Green light.
Add gas.
Accelerate.
But I’m not in a hurry.
‘Cause the light ahead
Is red already.
And we’re all gonna stop again.

Yep.
There she goes.
Riding my ass.
Sorry, darlin’!
I’m not in any rush
To reach the back bumpers
Of the cars at the stop light.

And, there she goes
Into the other lane.

And, here I go.
Passing her at the light.
See?
She’s 3 cars behind
Where she would have been.
If she’d just stayed put.
But.
You know.
I wasn’t moving fast enough
For her.
And by the next light,
I’ll be further ahead.

It’s an observed behavior thing.
People are stupid.
Can’t figure out
No one’s going anywhere.
So, they swap lanes
Endlessly.
And tailgate
Endlessly.

God.
I hate driving.

Left turn at the next intersection.
Move over to the left turn lane.
Light’s yellow.
Stop.

And try to ignore the idiot
That just slammed on their brakes
And dumped hot coffee
In their lap.
‘Cause they had to stop,
‘Cause I didn’t run the light.
Like they would have.

Freaking idiots.

Just get me there alive, God.
That’s all I want.
Just get me there alive.
Don’t let one of them kill me,
Just ‘cause I’m on
The same road they’re on.

I hate people.
I really fucking do.
I really fucking do.

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One thought on “I Hate Driving

  1. LOVE this! And drinking coffee when you are driving? Like being on a mobile phone – serves them damn right if they get it in their lap!!

    Oh you would hate Holland driving then, they love to ride your arse here. It’s the ‘fast lane’ on the motorway (freeway to you) that makes me laugh, it’s where all the accidents happen, cuz they all want to get there so fast and they ride each other’s arse, and all it is in traffic (which is like 90% of the time in densely populated Holland) is stop start, stop start, stop start. I like to go in the ‘slow lane’ on the inside, go slow, giving lots of room and you just keep flowing nicely.

    I love the last 3 lines…it’s my daily saying!

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