#LoveBites 2014 : I Miss The Misery

Bobby tried to drain the entire glass in one chug, resisting the burn in his throat as long as he could. The 50-50 mix of Jack Daniels Black Label and Sprite scorching everything in his throat. When it hurt too much, he smacked the glass down to the table, “Yeah! That’s better!”

The bartender looked at him. “Another?”

“Fuck yeah! I ain’t drivin’!”

So began our conversation on Valentine’s Day, 2014. I’d known when he called it was gonna be one heck of a night.

“Hey, buddy! Let’s go get ripped!”

I knew exactly what he meant. He’d broke up with Kelly the month before. January first. Happy New Year. All he’d ever said was, “Damn, I’m glad she’s gone! I can sleep at night!”

You have to understand. Bobby and Kelly never even liked each other. Hell, they hated each other’s guts. They met at the gym. She caught him staring at her. “What are you doing?”

“Watching your abs. Why? Is it wrong?”

Thought she was gonna slap him. She kept working out, making sure he got a good view. Abs, legs, arms, everything. When she finished, she marched up to him, “I’m done. Take me home.” She kissed him. And from that moment, Bobby was just a dog hunting a bitch in heat.

I’d tell you I felt sorry for him, but I didn’t. Everybody knew he was getting laid every night. The two of them spent nights at her place, and at his place. They didn’t go out to eat. They didn’t dance. He told me, “She loves porn.” Said she wanted to try everything they watched in the videos.

I lost count of the stories. “She handed me a rope. I got to tie her up, and do anything I wanted.” That day he’d passed out at his desk at work. The whole office laughed about that one. Said she’d worn him out good.

“She brought a girlfriend. Two at one time! Gods, I’m beat, but I’m happy!” He called out sick that day.

After the first week, things with Bobby and Kelly changed. “She stopped letting me sleep there.” Every night, she’d visit him, and leave when she finished. Or, he’d visit her, and she’d kick him out when she finished.

“She told me she calls me her boy toy. Tells her girlfriends I’ll do anything she wants,” he whispered to me in the office. “What’s a boy toy?”

“Dude. You’re her vibrator.”

“Oh. I can live with that.”

I gotta admit, I’d have banged Kelly in a heartbeat, if she asked. Who wouldn’t? She looked like something from a magazine cover. One of those photoshopped bodies men just drool over.

“Dude. You know what happens when you get tired of a game? You buy another game.”

He came to work some mornings, he couldn’t sit down without wincing. “She’s into spanking now. My ass is black and blue.”

“Why do you put up with that?”

He just grinned. “I’m getting laid every night? And you?”

December 31st, they had New Years sex. Then, she threw him out, and changed her phone number, and moved. January first. He called, and got no answer. He visited. No one was there.

“Face it, Bobby. She got what she wanted, and went searching for another toy.”

Bobby tried to drain another glass, smacking that one down on the table when the burn got too much. “Yeah! That hurts!” He laughed, staring at the glass. “Hell, I know. I hated her, really. I did. We fought all the time.”

They had. They’d argued, screamed, she slapped him all the time. “I hated her guts. I’m glad she’s gone. I’m relieved. Life is normal now. I sleep at night.” He drained a third glass, then looked at me, with those puppy dog eyes of his. “But damn, I sure miss her body.”

Yeah. Valentine’s Day. Gotta love it.

646 Words
@LurchMunster


In honor of Valentines Day, 2014, I’ve written for the 2nd annual Love Bites blog hop, hosted by Ruth Long, Lisa Shambrook, Lizzie Koch and Laura Jamez. There are plenty of good shots at Cupid and Valentines Day in the hop. Please, go read them all.

A special thank you to the band, Halestorm, for their music video I Miss The Misery, as it was my inspiration for this little story.

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