I should have screamed, “Don’t touch me!” I should have pushed her away. I should followed through on my threat to never talk with her again. I should have listened to the voice in my head that screamed, “She’s dangerous!”
Hell, I told her that. When I decided to talk with her again. “Do you have any idea how dangerous to me you are?” She laughed that unforgettable laugh of hers. And I felt so stupid. So silly. At the thought that she could be dangerous.
Damn her, and her smile, like the sun on a summer day. I had no defense against that. Damn her and her deep blue eyes. Filled with a simply joy at just being alive. Like a moth to a flame. A deer caught in her headlights.
I should have stayed alone, kept my distance. Everything had been safe. Secure. Every day was the same. Every week. Everything centered around work. It was all I had. All I was. My family needed me to work. My wife depended on me to bring in my paycheck. We had bills to pay. College tuitions. Car payments. The house.
I was just a normal guy. Going to work every day. Doing the job. No dreams. No goals. Ignoring the world. Hell. I knew I was miserable. Isn’t everyone? The guys I worked with always said, “Yeah. The job sucks. But it pays the bills.” And, “You have to just suck it up. And do it. Even if you don’t like it.”
And then, she came along. And I stopped going to work for the paycheck. Going because she was there. And she was alive! Real! And I was that guy stuck in the desert, looking for water, just to stay alive. Seeking an oasis amid the sandstorms, and the endless dunes, and the scorching heat.
She was that oasis.
I never would have touched her if she hadn’t touched me. And I never did kiss her. Never would have either. I would have torn my heart out to keep her safe. To see her smile. To look into her eyes. To hear her laugh. Until she came along, I’d never realized how alone I’d become.
I can’t forget the day I got my Network+ Certification. Everyone was happy. Saying, “Congratulations!”, like they were supposed to. Not her. She smiled and looked at me with those deep blue eyes of her. And the next thing I knew, her arms were wrapped around my neck. And I’d wrapped mine around her in response.
She woke me up! And no matter how much I want to. How hard I try. How much people encourage me. I can’t go back. I can’t.
I can’t be normal again. I can’t be like everyone else again. I can’t be dead inside.
I should have listened to that voice in my head that screamed, “She’s dangerous!”