The In Between

How do I resurrect the dead?
How do I bring something
Back to life?
How do I recover something
That’s just gone?

I used to know at least a little bit
Of who I was.
But who I was
Is gone.
Destroyed.

I know who I was
Was anything but perfect.
A person made
Of shattered glass.
Some pieces gone.
Some edges sharp.
Coated in the blood of those
That tried to befriend me.

But I knew.
I knew.
Who I was.
What I did.
How to be.
Every day.

Now.
I don’t know anything.
Anything at all.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know what I feel.
Or even what I dream.

I only know
That I can’t raise
The dead.
That what I was
Is gone.
Never to return.

And I haven’t figured out
What to put in place
Of what used to be.
Oh,
I have some ideas.
Sometimes I think they’re more
Like pipe dreams,
Than ideas.

I keep reminding myself
That no one knows
How long it takes a heart and soul
To heal.

We can guess how long
It takes a broken bone
To mend.
How long it takes
For torn, abraded, lacerated skin
To grow again.

These are physical things.
With rules,
And ways
We can predict.

But how long does it take
For a broken heart
Or a wounded soul
To build the will
To try again?

I keep telling myself
I’m in transition.
Moving from what was
To what will be.

Searching for a life
To replace
The one I lost.

I keep trying to believe
It’s all OK.
That this is how
Things are supposed to be
As I walk away
From the world I knew.
Into a new world.
I have never seen.

Into the unknown.
Into the new.

How long does it take
To stop the flow of blood
From a broken heart,
And make it whole again?

How long does it take
To heal the broken bones
Of a wounded soul,
So it can walk once more?

I don’t know.
Do you?

I only know
This is where I am.
In this in between.
This big unknown.

Using everything I’ve ever learned,
Everything I know,
To find my way to life
Again.

I’m going to take a walk now.
Even if it rains.
Because it’s part
Of who I am.
Of what I do.
Because it helps me
Feel alive
Again.

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One thought on “The In Between

  1. Oh Mark, that is me in 2008 – every single word of it!

    For me, I called it an identity crisis. I felt stripped bare, to the bone, I had totally lost any sense of who I was. Then I started to build again – with the aid of therapy, and find out who I was, who the authentic person inside was, and how to bring her out and be her every day. I am still learning to trust being her, feel safe being her, but she is definitely here, and not going anywhere. I am still learning how she communicates, how to communicate in a way to build relationships with others and not break them. But you must have faith, that is the biggest thing I have learned – not religious faith, I mean faith inside you, that you will be okay, that it will turn out okay, that the worst is actually behind you, and that you now have the power to make choices and be who you want to be, truly and honestly, and no one externally can change that.

    Keep going my friend, it will all start to come, just give yourself time and space most of all, don’t push too hard, don’t expect too much of yourself. You will stop feeling like you are free falling soon, you will start to be more confident in who you are – and in particular, LIKE who you are.

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