It’s Time For Me To Change

I walked tonight.
I really needed to.
Then,
I wrote.
I wrote nothing.
Every word,
Wasted.
Useless.

In the end,
I looked at my reflection
On the screen.
The image of myself.
And I heard a voice.
Speaking.
Asking me something.

I didn’t know what.
I couldn’t hear.

I looked at my work life.
And wound up looking
Once again.
Through the job listing
At Career Builder.

What I look for
Has become more open
Than it’s ever been.
Heck,
I even looked
At entry-level
Security jobs.
Walk the halls.
Guard the front door.
Log everything in books.

I felt a lot of things.
And for the first time
I tried to identify,
And understand,
What I felt.

Apathy.
I felt as if I didn’t care.
I’d never really paid attention
To that before.
That feeling
That I didn’t care
If I ever have a full-time job
Again.

But there was more.
Apathy couldn’t explain it all.
So I looked deeper
Into my heart and soul.
And noticed.

Pain.

That says so much
Doesn’t it.
That single word.
But it’s so true.
That’s what I remember.
That’s what I associate
With work.
With a full-time job.
With being
Just like everyone.

Pain.

I wish I could explain.
But I lack the words.
How do you explain
What it feels like
To have your heart
Ripped apart?
To have your soul
Burned at the stake?
To realize
That everyone you know
Betrayed your trust
In them?

How do you explain
That kind of pain?

But I wasn’t done
Looking yet.
I knew
There was more.
More I hadn’t seen
Before.

So,
I closed my eyes.
And I breathed in.
And out.
I breathed in my pain.
And when I exhaled
I filled my breath
With concern.
And caring.
For myself.

For I knew.
I knew.
It was long past time
I cared for me.
Long past time
To heal my wounds.

And admitting that
Let me move past the pain.
To the next layer.
The next feeling
That I had.

Fear.

Complete and total
Fear.
Terror of the kind
I’ve never once admitted,
Never once faced
In all my days.

The fear I could be hurt
The same way
Once again.
And worse.
I was afraid
To even try.
To even risk
More pain.

By now,
Someone else
Might have gone on.
Might have rebuilt.
Might have returned
To a job
Like they’d had before.

By now,
Someone else
Might have moved on.
Found another life.
Another career.
Doing something
Different and new.

By now,
Someone else
Might have done so many things
That I haven’t done.
That I haven’t tried.

And as I sit here
On this night.
I know.
It’s time.
Time for me
To look into the face
Of the fear I have.
And say the words
I’ve learned.

I know I’m hurt.
And I’m afraid.
And I don’t want
To hurt that way
Again.

I know that.

And I’ll take care
Of my fear.
Of the wounded
Frightened
Child
I am inside.

I also know
I can’t let my fear
Stand in my way
Anymore.

I remember all the times
I asked others,
People that I know.
People I have never met.
“What are you afraid of?”

I remember all the times
I shared the thought
Of reaching for a dream.
Of setting fear aside.
And trying to bring their dreams
To life.

But I’ve never
Said those words
To me.

And it’s time I did.

I’ll take care of you,
My fears.
I’ll show you
There’s no reason
For me to be
Afraid.

There are some dreams I have.
Dreams I’ve always had.
It’s time.
Time I stepped beyond
Being afraid.

And finally tried
To bring those dreams
To life.

It’s time for me
To change.

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One thought on “It’s Time For Me To Change

  1. Love this. See? you did write, nothing was wasted!

    And Mark, on some level we all feel this – I know I have/do; the pain of betrayal (for me it is family, but I have had it in a work situation too), and especially fear. But without the fear, nothing is a challenge, we don’t feel like we accomplish anything and pushing through is what we MUST do, and stand strong for ourselves and our dreams.

    Again I refer you to the blog – thedailylove.com .

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