Perhaps It’s Time

I stared into the mirror.
For a long time.
Trying to find something.
Anything.
Positive to say.
Positive to think.

All I could see
Was a trail of destruction.
A trail of fire.
A trail of anger.
Rage.
And pain.

It’s no one’s fault.
I know that.
What happened.
It’s no one’s fault.
Trying to blame someone
Would be like trying
To hold someone responsible
For the rain.

It rains where it rains.
It rains when it rains.
No one is to blame.

I used to think I’d grown.
Think I’d changed.
Believed I’d gotten through
The worst of things.
That I understood
The world I never made.
And could cope with it.
Live in it.
Let it be
The way it is.

Heartless.
Ruthless.
Cold.
Savage.
And so very gray
To me.

I stared into the mirror
For a while.
Oh the things I said
Inside my head.
To myself.

I’ve tried.
God, how I’ve tried.
I try every day.
To keep that last bridge
Between the life I had.
And the life that’s growing now.

With what happened today.
I’m not sure I can.
Not sure it’s worth
The pain.
The effort.
The stress.

It takes so very much
To not be angry.
When everyone you knew
Abandoned you.
Just because
You changed.

And it’s not really like I changed.
Not really that at all.
The truth is far more simple.
Far more plain.

I woke up.
I opened my eyes.
Like Neo
In the Matrix.
I unplugged.

I live in a world these days
That is filled with color.
With people that are so
Very much alive.
People that embrace
Change.
And let me be
Who I am.
Let me believe
What I believe.
That don’t expect me
To be just like them.

Except for that bridge.

I don’t want to burn that sucker down.
I don’t.
There are people on the other side
I really do like.
That honestly
Just don’t understand
Me.
And why I’ve become
So very critical
About the way things are.

I let them be their way.
I try.
Oh, how I try.
To not say anything.
To let them do
What they believe.
Live how they believe.
Be how they believe.

I’ve asked God now
For better than one year
To not give up on them.
To find a way
Somehow.
To wake them up.
Like He did me.

But I know
They won’t.
They won’t ever see.
Won’t ever know.
Won’t ever change.

They don’t see any reason to.
They don’t see any need.
To them
Everything’s the way
It’s supposed to be.
Or just so damn close
That it’s close enough.
That they’re OK
With the way things are.

I know so very many
New people now.
The kind of people
That the folks
On the other side
Of the bridge
Wouldn’t understand.
Wouldn’t accept.
Would ask me what I see
In them.

They’d call my new friends
Evil.
Call them wrong.
Call them sinners.
Heathen.
The Devil’s spawn.

I stared into the mirror
For a while today.
Oh, the things I had to say
To me.
They would hurt you
If you heard them.
I know this.

And in the end
I have to ask
If it’s time.
Time to take
Another step.
And burn that one last bridge
To the ground.

Can I leave that bridge standing
And ever truly be free
From the self-hatred,
Self-abuse,
And self-denial
That once owned me.
In that world
I never made.

I wish I knew the answer.
I wish I knew.

Now, I have to think a while
And figure out.
What I will do.
What’s best for me.
So that I can take
The next step forward
In this new life
I’ve been given.

Perhaps the best thing
I could do
Is nothing.
Is just watch.
And wait.
And see.
What the people
On the far side
Of that bridge do.

Maybe I won’t have to do a thing.
Maybe they’ll burn down that bridge.
To keep their world
Safe from my new friends.
Safe from me.

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4 thoughts on “Perhaps It’s Time

  1. Oh Mark, I am rocked by how much this reflect me, and how I have thought through my life. And most of all what I find spookiest is the bridge – your metaphor, it has always been mine in my head too. When I moved to Holland I was on a bridge, behind the land was my past, in front the land was my future. I finally reach the otherside, but stood in fear at the gateway, but most of all what I had to stop doing was looking back over my shoulder at what was behind. I also felt the urge to burn it to the ground, with the anger that burned inside of me, but then I realised that that anger is only damaging me, not them, it makes no difference to them, and that they are blissful in their ignorance (and arrogance). So the best thing you can do now is just leave it, leave the bridge open, but turn your head back round to face forward. Stand at your entrance gate, and hopefully, unlike me you will run forward and embrace what is on the other side, and not ponder too long. I have finally stepped forward through my gateway but it took me a LONG time, and I no longer have the rage, the rage no longer lives within me – and that Mark, is such a HUGE relief, I feel so much lighter. I let it all go you see, let it all go, stop persecuting myself, realised that I was worthy, realised that I had always been worthy! I still have days where I feel like I bore the brunt for all of them, and I want to still want to hide in a corner and shake my fist at them. But then I realise that I am so much more than that now, I HAVE so much more than that know – inside me!

    You are so close now Mark, soon you will step over that threshold and then you will think – WHAT! Why did I waste all that time, when I could have been here all along?!

    I look forward to you joining me on the other side of the bridge, its so nice here!
    M xx

    • Had to respond, Miranda. Because it’s true. I’m leaving that bridge up. I don’t have to burn it down. If it falls, it falls. Won’t be my doing. I have spent the past year learning to take steps into the “new world”. I suspect you understand how shocking, and amazing it is to realize that you’re not a demon. Not evil. Not bad. Not a failure. And to start taking the little steps you take to learn to walk.

      I like to think of it as, “Old Mark died, and New Mark was born.” And I look very much forward to walking on this new path. You hang in there, my friend. I’ve learned, with time, patience, and perseverance, things have a way of working out.

      Wait till you see what I’m trying next… (: (I’d tell you, but then, it wouldn’t be a surprise).

      • But it doesn’t matter what happens to the bridge, cuz you won’t need it anymore and you are walking forward, away from it. I don’t see that any part of me died, I see that it woke up and realised it could be so much more! I realised that what was in front was more important than what was behind. And that the here and now and creating moments is all it is about.

        And about making connections. I am glad I have connected with you!

        Mmm, patience, there’s that word again….I struggle with that one! ( ; >

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