Finding My Wings : For Timony

Sometimes, I feel so helpless.
Tonight is one of those times.
When I feel helpless.
Useless.
Frustrated.
Angry with God.

I read the words
Written by a friend.
Someone I have never met
In person.
And likely never will.

I’ve read her words
Many times before
In the past few months.
And my heart has ached,
And my soul shed tears,
For I know,
And I understand,
Oh so very well,
The pain within her words.

So, tonight.
I’m taking the time
To respond to her.
To the last words
She wrote.

“3:28 am
I’m awake”

In my darkest days,
I was awake at 3:00 am
More times than I can remember.
I lost count of the times
I took a 5 or 6 mile walk
In the dark.
Before the dawn.
Even in the ice
And snow.

It’s all I had.
All I knew to do.
To cope
With the aching of my heart.

“Sleeping tablets suck”

Then don’t take them.
Some things can’t be treated
With another pill.
Another medication.
I’ve learned that.
Some things
Just take time to heal.
I also learned that as I healed,
Sleep returned.
All on it’s own.

It was in those days
That I finally learned
Naps are OK
When you need them.
Maybe naps can help you to?

“I really should keep my mouth shut”

Oh, my.
I’ve lost count of the years
I’ve thought that very thing.
Used those very words.
I still use them.
Even now.
I have a name
For that part of my soul.
That darkness.
That silences me.
I call it “Silenced”.
And I fight it daily.
For I know the truth.
Each time the silence wins.
Part of me dies.
And my heart aches.
And my soul cries.

“Saying things out loud won’t change anything”

Then write.
Dream.
Tell stories.
Imagine.
But never let the silence win.
And if talking doesn’t change a thing.
The perhaps action will.
Maybe there’s something
You can do.
Like become the tail
That wags the dog.
Or taking walks
Like I did.
And a camera
In a flower garden
Is a way I’ve always found
My smile
Again.

“I want to hate something but it appears this whole being an emotional wreck and constantly crying is about all I can manage”

Hate is just a feeling,
Don’t you know.
And it’s OK to feel.
I’ve learned.
Evolving.
Growing.
Changing.
Can be painful.
But it’s no body’s fault.
Not yours.
Not theirs.

Have patience.
I know it’s hard.
God, how I know.
But that’s the only way
To see what grows
From the hurt
And pain
I know you’re in.

I cannot forget the words
My doctor spoke with me
Many months ago.
“Mark,
You’re like a butterfly
That’s just broke out
Of it’s cocoon.
And everything
Is new.”

Perhaps that’s becoming true
For you?

“I need a hug”

If I were there.
I’d give you all the hugs
You wanted.
For I know
Sometimes a person.
With a heart.
With a soul.
Just needs to know.
They are not alone.

“And I’m crying again”

If I were there,
I’d hand to you
My very own box
Of tissues.
You know that.
But I’m not.
I’m far away.
So I can only say
What I’d do.

“This is the important one: I’m going away. I’m not sure where, or for how long. But I won’t be posting here, Facebook, Google etc – I’ll still be working on the book, and I’ll probably let you know when it’s ready for purchase. But apart from that I shan’t be around.”

I understand.
I really do.
You take all the time you need.
To find you.
To learn the priceless gift
That your life is.
That you can feel
So many things.
To see that magic
In your eyes.
When you look into the mirror.
To hear the music
In your own laughter.
To see the beauty
Of your priceless smile.
A smile no one else
Can ever make.
Because it’s yours.

And know this too.

If you should some day wish
To share words once again.

Your friends,
And I
Will be here.
And we will always welcome you.

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