The Brilliant Light On The Far Side Of The Darkness

[Author’s note : I wrote this on 02/04/2011, while I was still working through the darkest part of my life. I am putting this one back up, because I know someone I wish to share it with.

Things change, my friend. Things change. All it takes is time.

Mark.]

I just got out
Of the sauna.
A little toy
My lady bought
Back in 2009.

It’s a two person sauna.
Sits in the corner
Of the master bedroom.
And given that our central heat
Has been dead
For the past 11 months,
It’s turned into
A really nice little room
To sit down in
And read.

And that’s just what I did.
Turned that sucker on.
Set the temp
To 96 degrees
(Fahrenheit or course,
‘Cause that I understand).
Set the time
To 60 minutes.
Pulled off my socks.
Put on my shorts.
Grabbed my book,
My Kobo e-reader,
My Tank of a cell phone,
And MP3 player.
Turned my music on.
And got right into that room.

Oh, but that felt good.
And why wouldn’t it?
Sitting here at my desk,
The thermometer says
It’s a whopping 57.
It’s not that bad,
Really.
You get used to it
After a couple of weeks.

I read another chapter
In the book I’m reading
By Pema Chodron.
“When Things Fall Apart”.
Another book I find
That I like a whole lot.

When I spoke this morning
With my doctor,
He and I agreed
That I’m going to be OK.
That I’ve found the path for me.
The path that leads
To where I want to be.

We spoke of how very
Self-destructive I’d become
In October, November, and December.
And I shared this story
With my doctor.

The first time that it snowed.
In December, that is.
When I was out there
Walking in that snow.
That’s when I realized
How very close I was
To the end of me.
And everything
I might have ever been.

I was just one step away.
For as I walked along
In the snow that day,
I could see all the reasons why
I would bring things
To an end.
And I could understand
So very clearly
Why some people do.

I don’t mean
To upset anyone of you.
I really don’t.
So please let me
Finish writing down
The words I have to say.

As I walked outside that day,
Out there in the snow,
I came to a point in life
Where I could go left,
Or I could go right.

If I was too afraid
To continue on.
I could go left.
And that would be
The end of me.
Suicide, was to the left,
You see.

I went to the right.
Because I decided,
More than 30 years ago,
That suicide
Was not my way.
Was not me.
That I would never run.
That I would not take
That easy way.
That my fear
Would never
Destroy me.

The path that led
To the right,
Lead me into pain.
Pain that I have never felt
In all my days.

I told my doctor of
All the injuries I’ve had.
Damaged ligaments,
Separated joints,
And broken bones.
And that I’d rather have
All those injuries
At once,
That walk through that kind of pain
Again.

But walk through that pain
I did.
And I’m here today.
That proves I did.
And I know this simple truth.
If I can live through that.
I can live
Through anything.

And having walked
Through such agony.
I’ve begun to catch a glimpse
Of the life I’ll have
When I get through
All of this.

And the little bit I’ve seen
Is more than worth
Every bit of pain,
Every ache that my heart had,
And every tear
That my soul cried.

For I have glimpsed
The light that lives
On the other side
Of the darkness
I’ve been in
For so very long.

And it’s a light
That I can always reach
Every single day
If I just take the time,
And use what I have learned,
To find my smile
Again.

For when I find my smile,
I find that I am walking
Once again,
In that brilliant light I’ve found
On the far side of
The darkest days
I’ve ever had to face.

And I really hope that you
Can find your smile.
For if you truly can
I believe that you
Will find your way
To the brilliant light
On the far side
Of your darkest days.

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