Questions On A Sunday Morning

What to do,
What to do,
What to do…
Sigh…

Here I am.
Two years into this journey
That began
On it’s own.
This journey that has changed
Every detail of my life.
That’s cost me everything
That I once knew.
Every friend
That I once had.
And forced me
To start my life over
From nothing but the dirt
And ashes
Of the person I once was.

And, God help me,
I can’t decide at all
What the heck to do.
What and who
I wish to be.

Hell,
Half the time
I haven’t got a clue
What the heck I feel.

I have a part-time job.
First part-time job I’ve had
Since 1981.
That’s longer that a lot of people
That I know
Have even been alive.

And it sometimes
Feels so very wrong
To me.
Even though I know
It’s not.

Sometimes when I go to work.
In my part-time job.
I feel as if
I shouldn’t be there.
As if I should
Have a different job
Somewhere.
Making the kind of money
That I used to make.

But I know
That’s just a feeling
That the society I live in
Pushes down on me.
The way people react
When they hear that I make
25% of what I did
2 years ago…
Let’s just say
It’s interesting to see
How people think that’s sad.
And react as if
They feel sorry for me.

I don’t.

So many of the people
That I used to know
Are gone.
They left.
And now they stay away
From me.

They saw what happened.
And I can’t help but feel
As if they’re scared
That just by knowing me,
Just by association,
What happened in my life,
Will happen in their lives too.

That’s pretty sad,
Isn’t it.

Then again,
I’m the only guy I know
That’s 53 years old
And doesn’t know
What he wants to be,
Or what he wants to do
For the next decade
Or two,
Or even three.

I’m exploring writing
As a way
To make a little money
Someday.

And I know
That with a little time
And a little effort,
I could get a few more
Industry certifications,
And thus get the paperwork
That proves
I can do certain things.

And then find employment
Somewhere.
Working full-time
Once again.

But then again,
I could explore,
Day by day,
Finding ways to work
For me.
And work independently.

It’s times like this
I find I wish
I could figure out

Who and what
I wish to be.
And when I feel this way
I have to remember
Once again,
The lesson that I’ve learned
In these past two years.

Some things
Just take time to do.
And that’s all there is
To say.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s