Turn Right And Take Two Steps.

[ Author’s Note : Here, I borrow the words of Maggie Mae. If you are sensitive to the topic of suicide please use caution if you decide to read this! ]

I lost count of the mornings
That I walked along the sidewalk
Looking toward the cars
Of normal people.
As they raced to work.
In their jobs.
In their normal lives.
Knowing none of them
Saw me at all.

Knowing none of them knew.
I was one
Of the walking dead.
That everything I’d been.
Everything I’d known.
Everything I’d cared about.
For 30 years.
Was gone.

Taken from me.
Ripped away.
By no one.
By an illness.
That had no name.
An illness
None of them
Understood.
None of them
Wanted to understand.

Depression
Was my companion
On those walks.
Fueling fear
That nothing would ever
Be the same.
That I would never
Be whole again.

I lost count
Of the days I watched the cars.
And the trucks.
With the faces of the people
Inside them.
Putting on makeup.
Shaving.
Screaming at someone
On the phone.
Singing the words
To a song.

As they raced to work.
For another day
Of being normal.
Of being OK.

While I walked along.
Unable to escape
The reality
Of being broken.
Damaged.
In some way.

I lost count of the days
I wished I could just say, “Hi!”
To any one of them.
Even though I’d never met them
In my life.
That I could find someone
That would smile.
That would talk
With me.

But it never happened.

I walked alone.
Along  the sidewalk.
Every morning.
My only companion.
Depression.
By my side.
Whispering in my ear.
Telling me
I could end the hurt.
And end the pain.
That I felt
With ever step I took.
With every breath
In those days.

When I walked along the sidewalk,
Watching other people
Go to work.

Depression whispered
In my ear.
Day after day.
“Wait for a truck.
With 18 wheels.
Then turn to the right.
And take two steps.
That’s all it will take.
And you’ll be free.
The pain
Will go away.”

May  you never understand
The words I write today.
May you never hear the whisper
Of depression
In your ear.

It would have been so easy
To listen to the words
Depression spoke to me
Every single day.

“Turn to the right.
And take two steps.
And all the pain
Will just go away.”

I’m still here.
Today.
Because I knew then.
As I’ve always know.
My pain might go away
If I surrender.
And end the pain
I live with.

But depression has no answer
To the question I asked it.
As I walked along.
Watching people go to work.
On so many days.

“Why would I do that?
And hurt so very much
My Lady?
And my children?
And the few people
That I call my friends?
Knowing all along
That I can make it through
The pain that I am in?
Why would I give up?
Why would I
Hurt them?”

It would have been
So very easy
To have gained sweet release
From the hurt.
And from the pain.

All I had to do
Was turn to the right.
And take two steps.

And I’d have never hurt
Again.

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