I Just Can’t Live A Lie Again

Today marks the end
Of my time in church
Once again.
I’ve lost count
Of how many times
I’ve had to walk away
From the church.

The reason I walk away
Is because I can’t lie.
I’m a horrible liar.
Ask the people of DISA.
It’s what they said
When they put me through
That polygraph test.

“You just can’t lie.”

And to stay in the church
I have no choice
But to lie.

I find it interesting
When I am in a church.
The way that I can just sit back
And watch everyone else.

I can see the way
Everyone reacts
To a song,
Or to the sermon.
Or even to a prayer.

They feel it.
What ever it is.
I don’t really know.
Because I pretty much
Don’t feel anything
At all.

That why I can sit back
And watch everything
That’s going on.

I’ve never understood
Why everyone bows their head
For prayer.
It’s not something I do.
Hell,
I look straight up at God.

Do you have any idea
How many times,
And how many people,
Have told me
That’s just flat damn wrong?

“Arrogant bastard.”

That pretty much sums up
The way that people react
When they see me pray
The way I do
When I’m alone.

It’s like there’s some hidden
Social rule somewhere
That says,
To behave humbly,
And with great humility,
And to express your shame
At having been imperfect
Once again,
You have to look down
At the ground.

“You don’t deserve
To look up at God.”

As if God’s up there
In the sky somewhere.
Or maybe peeking at us all
Through holes in the ceiling
Of the church?

Hell,
I don’t know.

It occurs to me,
You know,
That if God is everywhere,
Like everyone says He is,
Then anywhere I look
When I pray,
I’m looking where I shouldn’t.
‘Cause I’m looking
Right at God again.

And I’ve been told
Time and time again,
That doing so is wrong.

I find it interesting
When I am in church,
To watch other people
Come apart at the seems,
When someone sings a song.

Now, don’t get me wrong.
I hear the right song,
And it touches my heart,
And my very soul.
And I’ll come apart myself.

What I don’t get,
Though,
Is why it is
That everyone in the church
Reacts the same damn way
To ever song that’s sung.

As I sit there,
In a church service,
Watching the people
Of the church,
I keep seeing the
Little Green Men
From Buzz Light Year
Of Star Command,
Doing everything in unison,
And endlessly chanting,
“We are one.”

Now, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.
Don’t get me wrong on that.
I don’t mean that to insult
Anyone.

I’m just saying
That it’s a mystery to me
Why everyone but me
Reacts the same way
To everything that happens
In the church service
On Sunday and Wednesday.

And I’m pretty sure
That if I were to show up
On any other day
I’d run into the same thing
That I encounter on Sundays.

That I’d be sitting there,
Wondering what the heck’s going on.
And why everyone’s doing
The exact same thing.
And what everyone’s feeling.
And if they’re all feeling
The same thing too.

Somehow,
I think they do.
But how that can be
Eludes me
Completely.

But, I’ve learned
That I have to mirror
The behavior patterns
Of the other people
Of the church,
So that I don’t get in trouble.
And don’t get anyone
Upset.

So, when I’m in a church service,
I stand up when everyone else does.
And I sit down when they do too.
And I pretend to sing.
And pretend to pray.
And pretend to close my eyes.
When I’m told to.
And when everyone else does.

Even though I have no reason to.
Other than
I don’t want to bother
Anyone.

But, you know.
Me having to lie,
And follow behavior patterns
Like I’m following the instructions
In a cookbook
For how to make
A batch of cookies,
Or a cake,
Or a pie.

That’s just not right.
It’s something that I’ve tried
Time and time again.
And every time I’ve tried.
I wound up
With my heart
Aching in my chest.
And my soul
Crying tears of pain.

Because it’s just flat wrong
To lie.

Tomorrow
Is another Sunday morning.
When I would like
Very much
To go to church,
And worship God.
With other people.
Instead of all alone.

But I find I can’t.
Because for me to do that,
Means I’d have to lie.
And pretend to be
Someone that I’m not.

So that I wouldn’t bother,
Or disturb,
Any of the other people
In the church.

I don’t want to be alone.

But I won’t live another lie.
I did that for a long
Long time.
29 years.
You know.

And it damn near killed me.

So, I won’t be at church
Come tomorrow morning.
And it’s very possible
That I’ll never set foot there
Again.

Because I just can’t
Live a lie
Again.

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