Nothing Else Exists To Me…

Sometimes, I wish
That I didn’t have
My Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Sometimes I wish
That I wasn’t me.
Wasn’t who I am.

But, I know wishes
For what they are.
Wishes.
And nothing more.
I can wish
For anything at all.
But the wishes
I have made
Have not come true.
Not a single one of them.

This is how I know
What wishes are.
Wishes,
And nothing more.

Today, I make the wish once more
That I was
A Neurotypical.
For today I have learned something
That I wish I’d never learned.
That I wish I’d never known.

What is it that I’ve learned
You may be wondering.
Just another way
That I’m different
From Neurotypicals.
Being Neurodiverse
As I am.

See.
Neurotypicals just seem to know,
And seem to understand
How other people
Feel about them.
Whether they are friends.
Or enemies.
What kind of friends they are.
Who to trust.
And not to trust.

It turns out
This is yet another
Of those social behavior things.
Where Neurotypicals
Can’t help but see,
And respond appropriately
To the social rules,
The social environment,
The behavior,
That they’re in and observing.

And as I’ve said before.
I’m completely blind
And deaf,
To those very things.
Social behavior rules
Just don’t exist to me.
Social environments to me
Are all the same.
All identical.
The way people behave
Is the only clue I have
To what’s going on
Around me.

For me to understand
That someone cares
If I live or die,
If I am OK.
How my life is going.
How I’m doing
On a given day.

I have to be able
To talk with them.
To observe them.
To write them.
To spend some kind of time
With them.

I have to hear
Their voices as they speak.
I have to see the looks they have
Upon their faces.
I have to see
The way the move.
So that I can observe,
And then analyze,
And then conclude
How they feel.
And if they care for me
In any way at all.

It’s all I have.
It’s all I understand.

If someone goes away.
Stops talking to me.
Says nothing to me.
And I never see them.
It takes me a long time
To figure out
What the heck is going on.

For I don’t understand at all
The social rules they live by.
I have to “do the math”
Of observation.
And after a time,
I figure out
The only thing
That the observed behavior
Can possibly mean.

The person doesn’t care for me.
And that’s why they’ve left.
That’s why I never
Hear from them.
Because they wanted me
To just go away.

There are people I once knew
That couldn’t figure out
Why I was so disturbed,
And so very angry
With all of them.
From their point of view
They’d done nothing wrong.
Nothing to be treated
As I treated them.

I can understand that now.
Because I understand
That they behaved
In the normal way.
As if I was a Neurotypical
Like all of them.
And would understand
Why they chose to behave
The way they did.

But, you see.
I’m not a Neurotypical.
And when they requested
That I not contact them
In any way,
For any reason.
Ever again.

My Neurodiverse self
Observed their behavior.
Observed the things they said.
The ways that they acted.
And that’s all I can understand.
I don’t see anything
But what’s there to observe.
The social reasons
That they had
For the things they did
Did not exist at all
To me.
And they still don’t.
And they never will.

I’m completely blind to them.

This means to me,
And the way that I am,
With my ASD,
When they told me
Not to contact them
Ever again.

It was as if they’d said
Straight to my face.
“Go away.
We don’t like you any more.
We don’t want you around.
We don’t care at all
If you live or die.
Just go away.
And leave us alone.
Forever.”

Extreme, you say?
Incorrect, you say?
To who?
By what standards?
By what rules?

Remember,
All that I have
Is what I can observe
Of the actions people take.

I don’t see at all
The rules that other people follow.
Those rules just don’t exist
To me.
I can’t detect them.
Can’t feel them.
Can’t see them.

How do you know
When you’re doing something wrong.
Something that disturbs someone?

How do you know
When you should shut up?
When the people around you
Want you to be quiet?

How do you know
When someone wants
To go to lunch with you?
To talk with you?
To be your friend?

How do you know
How to behave
Around the people
That you deal with
Every day?

And what would you do,
How would you behave,
If you could not see,
Detect,
Observe,
Or feel,
Any of the things
That tell you what to do,
And how to behave?

The last words
That the people I once knew
Ever said to me were,
“No unsolicited contact.
Of any kind.
For any reason.
You can not contact us.
We can contact you.
If we ever want to.”

And my brutally,
Cold and ruthless
Analytical and observational self
Could only translate
Their words
And their actions
In a single way.

They told me
To go away.
And never bother them
Again.

Sometimes I find I wish
I was a Neurotypical.
So that I could understand
The way people behave.

But I’m not.
And I never will be.

So that all I have
When I deal with other people
In this life,
And on this world,
Is how those people
Interact with me.

What I can observe,
From the way that they behave,
The words that they say,
And the way they say those words.
The looks that I see
In their eyes.
And on their faces.
They way they move
Their arms,
And legs,
And bodies.

And when that is taken away,
I have nothing
But the last words
That someone said to me.

And the cold,
Heartless,
Observed and analyzed
Reality
Of what those actions mean,
And say.

Nothing else exists
To me.

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