Knight : Knight’s End

It was Monday,
October 25th,
2010.

The final day
Of Chevalier Blanc.
The day the White Knight
Came to his end.

It was 0830 hours
On that Monday morning
When I knew
Everything was over.
Everything was done.
And I would never return
To the place I’d worked
For the past 13 years.

It was 0830 hours
When my boss said to me,
“We’ve received a request
From the customer.
They want you to not contact
Anyone you worked with
Any more.”

I swear to you
That my heart stopped.
Completely.
For a time.

I could not think.
I could not feel.
All there was
Was complete oblivion.

I remember walking that day.
Three separate times.
Until my toes and heels
Both bleed.
And parts of my socks
Were stained blood red.

I remember stepping through
The procedures
For initiating Family Medical Leave.
The phone calls
Made to everywhere.
To tell them
What was going on.

I remember my doctor
Saying these words to me.
“Go home.
Now.”

I don’t remember
Anything I said
To anyone.
Anything I felt.
Whether I was angry,
Or just hurt.

All I remember
Are the words I wrote.
And those words
Said it all.

Have you ever lived through
A panic attack
That lasted days and days?
According to my doctor
On October 25th
Of 2010,
I began doing just that.

That when I was told
I couldn’t contact
Anyone at all
I fell into an attack.
That lasted for at least
Five solid days.

And the only memories I have
Of the entire experience
Are the memories I captured
In the words I wrote
Back then.
And in the days that followed.

I know that I was wounded.
I know that I was hurt.
But I never understood
Just how much,
Until the day in September
When I finally cried
From the hurt
That I’d been through.

And I know
That on that Monday,
October 25th,
Of 2010.
The time of the White Knight
Came to its end.

And the Knight was gone.
Forever more.
No one will see him again.

And now,
As I close my eyes,
And remember the Knight
That I once was.
I can see him
Prone upon the ground.
His glassy eyes
Looking straight up
At the sky.
His blood
All around.

There is a hole
There in his chest
Where his heart once was.
And his heart itself
Is completely gone.

There is no White Knight
Any more.
Chevalier Blanc
Is gone.

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