Why I Walk

I find myself asking
Again and again.
How?
How can I ever
Cope with this?
The anger that I feel.
Anger that’s been building up
For so very many years.

I try.
Oh, God, but I try.
I take long walks.
Time and time again.
Because it helps me cope
With all the anger
Trapped
Inside of me.

God,
I’ve walked until blisters formed
On my toes and heels.
And kept on walking.
Until they popped.
And still I kept walking.
Even though it hurt.
Because I knew.
I knew what would happen
If I stopped.

I’ve walked
Until those blisters
That had popped.
Started to bleed.
And then I just kept going.
And going.
And going.
Until my toes ached.
And my heels ached.
And it was hard.
Very, very hard.
Just to take another step.

And still I kept on walking.

I lost count
Months ago.
Of the times that I got home
With blood.
My blood.
Staining my socks.
And the inside of my shoes.

Blood from my heels.
Blood from my toes.

And the next day,
I would put tape on.
To cover up the blisters.
And the cuts.
To protect them
As best I could.
And I would walk again.
Day after day.

Why, you ask.
Why did I hurt myself that way.
How could I do that
To myself.

Because of them.
Because of the simple truth.
That I could not tell them
What I felt.
That I could not show them
How I felt.
That I could not let them know
How much the things they did
Had injured me.
How much what they did
In the year gone by
Brought such pain
Into my life.

I walked in part
Because I knew
I had to let my anger out.
Somehow.
Someway.
I could not keep it
Bottled up
Inside of me.
I had to find a way
To let it out.

I could have written words
About how I felt.
I did that once.
On December 4th.
Of 2010.
And those words
Were used against me.
Time and time again.

I did that same thing
One last time.
One morning in May.
When I said exactly how I felt.
When I told them
What they’d done to me.
How they’d treated me.
That they’d ripped themselves
From my life.
That they were gone.

They reacted.
Did they ever.
And I know
That I will never
Hear from any one of them
Again.

Because the words I wrote.
The anger that I felt.
That I let show
On that day.
Was used against me
Once again.
As one more reason
Justifying
The actions that they took.

That’s why I walked.
Until my toes and heels
Bled.
Because I knew
That every word I wrote.
Every words I said.
Every thing I did.
Was one more reason
They could use
To justify the way
They treated me.

To this day
They have no wish
To ever understand.
What happened to me.
A year ago.
They don’t know.
And they don’t care.
And they don’t want to know.

If they did.
They’d ask.

And I know
It was them
That did all this.
I was told.

I spoke to my former boss.
And asked if the silence
Would ever be lifted.
And told him
So he’d know
That the silence
Had injured me so.

That was when he informed me
That the silence was something
That they had all requested.
The people that I once worked with
Demanded the silence.
Wanted me to go away
And leave them alone.

That’s why I took the walks
I took.
Walking until there was blood
From my heels
And toes.

They have never once
Explained to me
Any action that they took.

And I know
They never will.

I know that they will sit there.
In their safe little world.
With their hearts
Colder than any ice has ever been.
Harder than any stone
Man has ever know.

Worlds that they have built.
So very carefully.
So that they could control
Every detail of their lives.
So that every day
Was exactly the same.
Safe.
And predictable.
With no surprises.
Ever.
Where nothing ever changes.
Not in any way.
Where all risk is removed.
All chance of pain
Has been erased.

Because they can’t handle that.
Pain hurts,
Damn-it.
And their solution
To that hurt
Has been to destroy
Their hearts and souls.
So that they are dead inside.

And the only thing that matters
In their lives.
Is that they have control.
That they do your job.
So they can get paid.
Every other week.
No matter what they feel.
No matter what their hearts
Tell them.

For they lost touch
With their hearts
Many years ago.
Their hearts are frozen.
Hard as stone.

And they don’t feel
A single thing.
That they don’t want
In their perfect world.
Where they have
Perfect control
Of everything that happens.

Where everything
Is how they wish for it to be.
And they can wear that smile
That they put on
Every morning
When they wake up.
Knowing that in the world they’ve made
If anything happens
They can’t control.

They’ll just throw it away.

And then continue pretending
That everything’s OK.
Inside the little walls
Of the perfect world they’ve made.

Now you know
Why I take the walks
That I take.
Even though
They sometimes cause me pain.

Because I refuse
To ever live
In such an artificial world
Ever again.

And the anger
That I feel
Burning  in my heart and soul
At the way that they’ve behaved.
And the way they treated me.

I have to get that out.
Any way I can.

I pray to God above,
That he can cure
The wounds that they
Have left me with.
For I know
I can’t.

And I know
That I will keep on walking
As often as I can.
Even if it means
I come home sometimes
With blood stains
On my socks
And in my shoes.

For that’s the only way I have
Of expressing the anger
That I feel
For the way
That they have treated
Me.

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