Dreams : Kayla

I had another dream today
To another song I know.
A song by Sirenia,
Named “My Mind’s Eye”.

In this dream
There was a woman
Named Kayla.

Kayla knew she wasn’t beautiful.
She could see that
In the mirror.
And she knew it
From the way
That everyone treated her.
Especially the men.

She saw how they treated
Pretty women.
The way they just went stupid
Around them.
The way that pretty women
Could ask them to do anything
And men would not argue.
They would just nod their heads,
And do whatever the pretty women
Asked of them.

Men didn’t seem to listen to her
At all.
So she knew
She wasn’t pretty.
She wasn’t beautiful.

She had never married.
No one had ever loved her
That she knew.
All the other women
That she knew,
And worked with too,
Had gotten married.
And had children.
Families to care for.
Families that would care
For them.

Kayla was all alone.
She couldn’t even remember
The last real date
She had been on.

All she had
Was the work she did.
Her job.
Which lately
She hated.

At work,
It seemed to her,
That her suggestions
Were ignored.
That when she talked at all,
No one heard a word
She said.

She had no idea
Why they still insisted
That she show up at meetings
Every week.
Because even on the weeks
That she had something to say
In the meetings that they held.
No one listened.
Instead,
Everyone just carried on
As if she had never spoken.

She felt left out
All of the time.
For she always had her lunch
All by herself.

She was never invited
To lunch with anyone.
Everyone else
Broke up into groups.
Like little clubs.
And they went to lunch
At different places,
On different days.

Even when there were
Big lunch events,
That everyone was expected
To attend.
Like when someone
Was retiring from work.
Or moving to another job
Somewhere.
She would go.
She would attend.
And no one there
Would ever speak
To her.

Kayla looked in the mirror
Every night.
Before she went to bed.
And found she had
To look away.
That if she looked too long,
She’d cry.

She’s lost count of the times
She’d sat down
In the floor
Of the kitchen
In her town house.
And leaned against
The cabinets.
Her knees pulled up,
Almost to her chin.
In the dark.
In the middle of the night.
Alone.

She’s stopped crying
Years ago.
All her tears
Were long gone.

Every night,
When Kayla went to bed,
She had nightmares
All about the life
She lead.

She could hear the voices
In her dreams,
Telling her
How worthless
That she was.
How no one cared for her.

And I heard the words
Of My Mind’s Eye,
Because I knew
What she was feeling
Deep inside.

“If you were here
I’d whisper sweet nothings in your ear
And appeal to all your fears
If you were mine, if you were only mine
I’d bring you so much further down
And twist your mind until the end of time”

It was the whisper
That depression instills
In your heart and soul.
How it whispers in your ears
Such awful things.
About how no one
Cares for you.
How everyone you know
Just wishes
You were gone.

How that voice
Speaks to all your fears.
Bringing them to life.
So that you can see them
Everywhere you look.
Every day of life.

Kayla never slept that well
At night.
She would wake up
Hours before the dawn.
Wondering how long
She could go on.

Somewhere along the way
She lost all her faith
In herself.
And she began to feel
Like everyone behaved.
As if anything she thought,
Or said,
Of felt.

Was meaningless.
No one cared anyway.
And if no one else cared
Why should she?
How could she?
When it was so obvious
That she had no value
To anyone.

And I heard the voice
Of depression
As it sang these words
From that song.

“If you are down
I will come to chain you to the ground
And penetrate your mind
If you are lost, if only you are lost
I’ll be there to break you trust
And ravage all your lust for life, my love”

Kayla reached a point
One day.
Where her head ached
Every time she parked her car
At work.
And her pain pills
No longer worked.
No longer dulled the ache
She felt.

That headache made it
So very hard for her
To stay at work.
And she would go home
Every now and then
At lunch.
To escape the pain
That she was in.

As time went on
It became harder for her
To get out of bed each day
And even go to work.
And much to her dismay
She soon realized
She’d used up all
Her sick time.
And her vacation time
Too.

And was having to take
Time off
Without pay.

Kayla didn’t understand at all
What was wrong with her.
She only knew
That everyone at work
Noticed every mistake she made.
And never noticed at all
How well she did her job.

It was to her as if
They ignored her every day,
As long as she sat at her desk.
And did her job.
But if she had to get up
And take a short break
To walk down the hall,
To keep her hands
From shaking.
Everyone there noticed.

And the voice of depression
Sang more words
From that Sirenia song.

“You will never realize
What darkness lies inside my mind”

One day,
They called Kayla
Into the boss’s office.
Where they spoke with her.
And then they fired her.
They told her she’d become
A problem in the workplace.
And was disturbing
Everyone.

They told her
That her work
Was not as good
As it once was.

Kayla wound up
In the hospital.
In the psychiatric ward.
Where she was treated
For depression.

The life she’d had
Was gone.
Her illness had destroyed
Everything she was.
Everything she’d worked for
Was gone.

And she was totally alone.
Every one that she had known
Had abandoned her.
She had no one at all
To talk with.
Except for the voices
That were always there
Inside her head.

She lost her friends.
She lost her job.
She lost her home.
She lost her car.
She lost her savings.
She lost it all.

And Kayla never understood
What had happened.
What had gone wrong.
Nothing made any sense to her
Any more.
No sense at all.

And I heard the words
Of the Sirenia song,
As the voice of depression
Carried on.

“You will never realize
What darkness lies inside my mind”

I would tell you
How her story ends.
But the dream stopped
At this point.

But I have to wonder
If you know
Anyone that’s like
The Kayla in my dream.

I have seen first hand
What depression does
To a person’s heart
And soul.
And how it strips away
Everything you have.
Everything you spent your life
Working for.

I know this
For the same thing happened
To me
Just a year ago.
When I lost
Every friend I had.
Everyone I knew.
And I lost my job too.

To the depression
That I didn’t even know
I had.

And I can’t help but wonder
Why people abandon
Someone that’s so hurt.
It’s as if they’re saying,
“I don’t want to get involved.
I can’t take it any more.
That person’s got to go away.
It’s hurting me
To see them
Every day.
Make them go away.
So that my world
Can be OK
Again.”

And the victim of depression
Is left on their own.
And no one ever knows
Or understands
The darkness they live through.
No one ever knows
Or understands
The way that their hearts ache.
Or the tears
That their souls cry.

And every time
I stop and think
About depression for a while.
I can’t help but hear the words
Of that song once again.

“If you were here
I’d whisper sweet nothings in your ear
And appeal to all your fears
If you were mine, if you were only mine
I’d bring you so much further down
And twist your mind until the end of time

You will never realize
What darkness lies inside my mind”

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