Dreams : Shaya

The next dream I had
Just the other night
Was of a woman named
Shaya.

And as the dream played out
While I was asleep that night,
I heard another song,
By the name of Dark Star,
By Tarja Turunen.

Shaya had put everything
Into the life she had.
A life she had worked hard
To make.

She had a job
That paid her very well.
So that she could purchase
Anything she wanted to.
With the money
That she made.

To her
It was just a job.
She liked the people
That she worked with
40 hours a week.
They made the work
More worthwhile to her.

But they were not
Part of he life.
They were just people
That she worked with.
And when she was not at work
Those same people
Did not exist.

There was a barrier
She had made
To keep her working life
Separate
From her real life.
Things worked better for her
That way.

When she’d had
Her battle with
Lukemia,
Her job
Had meant a lot to her.
That she could go there
Every day
And do something normal.
And be treated
As if nothing was wrong.
As if she were OK.
That meant a lot to her.

She had a church
That she went to
Every Sunday.
And on Wednesdays too.
And when the church
Had an event
That she could go to.
She did just that.

She knew a lot of people
At her church.
And she could visit them
Every time
That she was there.

But like the people
She worked with.
When she was not at church
Those people
Were not there.

At church,
She prayed for those
That were going through hard times.
Just like they’d prayed for her
When she’d been so very ill.

It had helped her
A great deal
Just to know
That there were people
That asked God
To take care of her.

That had helped her
Keep going
When she’d been fighting
Lukemia.

She had a family.
A husband.
And two sons.
And she loved them
Very much.

Her first marriage
Hadn’t worked out well.
She’d thought he was the one.
And had married him.
And they’d had a son.

But he’d had an affair
With a blonde down the road.
And they’d had
A lot of fights.
That lead to a divorce.
And it had been
An ugly thing.

Her life was not supposed
To have worked that way.
So, she’d had to try again
To find someone
To love.

It had taken several years
But she’d found the man for her.
And she had married him.
He’d had dreams
Like hers.
Of things he’d wanted
In this life.
It had worked out well
For the two of them.
Because they’d been able
To help each other
Pursue
The dreams they’d had.

She’d had a second son
With her second husband.
She felt more like
They were a single family
After that.

Everything in life
Was as she wanted it.
Everything was in its place.
Controlled.
And safe.

She knew what each day
Would bring to her.
She knew what to expect
Every single day.
She knew everyone
Within the life she had.
A life she’d worked
So very hard
To get.
To make into
Exactly what she wanted it
To be.

And as I watched her
In her perfect life.
Where everything was known.
And controlled.
And safe.
Exactly like she wanted it.

I heard Tarja sing these words.

“Where are you now?
Are you proud of the life you wasted?
Wearing the crown of illusion you created
You’ll never know what it feels like to shine
You’re the master in your own mind
But a slave to all
You are a dark star”

When one of her friends
In the place she worked
Had been diagnosed
With pancreatic cancer,
She’d done exactly
What she was supposed to do.

She’d carried on at work
Just like nothing was wrong.
She had work to do.
And she knew
That it meant so much
To her friend at work
To be able to
Have stability
In the life he lead.
That work could not change.
It had to be the same
Every single day.
To help him cope
With the hell
That he was going through.

Just like everyone
Had helped her.

But when she was at home
With her family
Or when she was at church
Her friend from work
Did not exist.
Sure, she wished
He would be OK.
Sure, she asked
God to take care of him.
And his family to.
But that’s all
That she could do.
All the she would do.
To care for him.

After all
He was just someone
She worked with.
And if he lost his fight
With the cancer
Threatening his life.

Well…
Sometimes life
Just works that way.
She knew that she
Would be OK.
She’d still have her life.
And it would still work
In just the way
She wanted it to.

And I heard the words
That Tarja sang
Once more.

“Where are you now?
Are you proud of the life you wasted?
Wearing the crown of illusion you created
You’ll never know what it feels like to shine
You’re the master in your own mind
But a slave to all
You are a dark star”

And when the dream was done
I said a prayer to God.

Thank you, God,
For not letting me
Be like her.
Someone that cares
Only for those people
That she wishes
To care for.

Thank you, God,
For giving me
Different experiences
Every day.
So that the life
You have given me
Is not static.
Not the same.
Endlessly.

Thank you, God,
For giving me
People to care for.
People I can help
When they need help
From me.
And that will help me
When I need help
From them.

Thank you, God,
For showing me
And teaching me
That the people I know
Are people.
Even those I work with.
And those at my church.
And those in my family.
All of them are people.
Each one a gift
From you to me.

Thank you, God,
For the tears I cry,
And the way that my heart aches
When someone around me
Is hurt,
Or injured,
Or very sick.

Thank you, God,
For teaching me
That having my life
My way.
Completely controlled.
With everything
Being the same
Every single day.

Turns my heart
To frozen stone.
So that I can’t really care
For anyone.

Not even me.

And I heard the words
That Tarja sang
Once more.

“Where are you now?
Are you proud of the life you wasted?
Wearing the crown of illusion you created
You’ll never know what it feels like to shine
You’re the master in your own mind
But a slave to all
You are a dark star”

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