Words Of Frustration

I sit here,
At my desk.
Frustrated
As I have ever been.
For it seems to me
At times
That everything I do,
Everything I say,
Everything I write
Leads to the same trouble
I’ve had to deal with
My entire life.

It’s simple,
Really.
It is.
I don’t think,
I don’t feel,
I don’t behave
Like you.

I don’t understand your ways.
I don’t know the things
You do.
The things you take for granted
That everybody knows.

The people that I worked with
Refuse to even acknowledge
That I exist.
And this has left more scars
Upon my heart
And soul.

Not one of them
Would even say
Good-bye to me.
They simply,
In my view,
Threw me away.

Without even explaining
What I did
That got them
So pissed off at me.

It’s been 2 solid months now,
Since I got laid off.
The lack of employment
Isn’t hurting me.
It’s that I’m spending
Hours every day
Trying to figure out
What the hell happened
That things have ended
In this way,
That is wearing me
Completely out.

One of my friends
Has said to me
Several times now
In this past two months,
That that’s just the way
That people are.
That if they wish
For you to go away
The don’t ever say it.
They just ignore you.
And assume
That you understand
What it is
That they are trying
To say to you.

There’s that word.
Assume.
There’s a reason that word starts
With the word ass.
They make the assumption
That I understand
Their ways.
And the things they do.
And the way that they behave.

I don’t.
I never have.
I likely never will.

From my point of view,
From my perspective,
I sit here at my desk,
Wondering why it is
That not a single one of them
Has the guts,
And the courage,
And the self-respect,
And honor too,
To simply send me a note.
And tell me
Bluntly,
And point blank.
To just fucking
Go away.

“Mark.
The things you did.
The way that you behaved.
The words you wrote,
And posted on your blog.
You hurt all of us.
And we all agreed
That we don’t ever want
To have any form of contact
With you.
Ever again.”

Plain English.
I can understand that.
That answers
Every question
That I have.
That fills in all the blanks.
That closes out
Everything that was
In a clean,
And healthy way.

Instead,
They just buried everything.
And never said a thing
To me.

And it’s taken me
Two solid months
Of time
And energy.
And analysis of events.
And discussions
With my doctors.
And my family.
And my friends.
To even learn enough
About how those people
Really are
To even have a clue
What the fuck
Is going on.

I’m not angry.
Despite how I sound to you.
That’s something about me
That you don’t understand.
And that I haven’t
Learned how to
Translate into
Neurotypical language,
So that you can see me
As the frustrated person
That I am.
And not believe
That I’m angry
Just because of my tone of voice,
The words I write,
Or the way that I behave.

I’m not like them.
I’m not like you.
Don’t make the mistake
Of assuming
That I have a single clue
What it is that you are doing,
What it is
You are trying to say
When all you do
Is ignore me.

After 2 solid months
Of effort.
And of sweat.
And pain.
Standing on the verge
Of sheer exhaustion
Once again.

Having worked through things
With my friends,
My family,
And my doctors too.

I finally have a clue
What the heck
They all assumed
I’d just understand.

Now all I have to do
Is someday hope
That I can understand
What it was I did,
And said,
And wrote,
That caused all of them
To decide to behave
As if I never worked
At all
With any one of them.

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