My Friends Really Care

[Author’s Note:

If you don’t like that I sometimes say things, or write things, that are disturbing, don’t read this one.]

I spent much time
In this past week
Being very much afraid.
And very much concerned.
That I’d done something
Once again.
That would drive everyone
Away from me.

That I would end up
Once again.
Being thrown away.
Being abandoned
By everyone I knew.

I’ve learned something though.
In these past few days.
Something very important.
About who I really am.
About the people
I know now.
And the people
I knew then.

And I find myself asking
Why the people I knew then
Were so very much afraid
To care for anyone?
Because I don’t really
Understand at all
The way they were.

And I know that how they are
Is what caused everything
That happened to me
In those days.
All because
I just wasn’t like them
At all.
And didn’t understand
Any of their ways.

Let me try
To explain.

There were two events
In the place
Where I used to work
That triggered
Everything that happened
In the past year.

The first was when
The person that I call,
And always will call,
The Lenten Rose
Began her battle
With cancer.

This is when I learned
How very much I care
For the people
That I know.
The people around me.
It was this one event
That woke me up.

The second was when
The person that I call
The Princess of Laughter
Became very depressed.
For I knew then
What depression is.
And the hurt it brings
Into a persons world.

And I’d already learned
How very much I cared
For the people
I worked with.

I’d learned too
That I’d stayed there,
In that place of work,
For so very many years
Longer than I should have.
And that doing so
Had already
So severely injure me.

I  was still standing.
But only because
Of my sense of honor.
And my sense of pride.

It wasn’t the work I did
That had wounded me.
It was the environment
That the work was in.
That was what had wounded me.
And in the year
That is now past,
I was to learn how.
And why.

For you see.
I did what I could
To show my two friends
In the place I worked
How much I cared
For them.
And wished for them
To be OK.

I wrote of dreams
And wishes.
Because I realized
That if I did,
The words I wrote
Helped them.
They would smile.
They would laugh.
They could close their eyes.
And dream.
And sleep.
If only for a little while.

It was because I did
Exactly what I did
For the two of them
That my own injuries
Came out.
And the aching of my hear,
And the tears
That my soul cried
Became visible.
To everyone.

I have always wondered
How people would react
To a person that they knew,
If that person
Became so very ill.
In the way I did.

They called it,
“Personal problems”.
One of those sanitary names
That people invent
For things
That they don’t want to face.
Don’t want to admit
Are real.
And can happen
To someone
That they know.

I always wondered
How people would react
When someone around them
Became mentally ill.
Developed disorders.
What would people do?
How would they deal
With a person that they knew
Becoming someone
That they couldn’t trust?
Someone that behaved
Very strangely,
And frighteningly
For a time?

I found out.
Did I ever.

And I know
As I sit here
Writing down these words.
That I will never hear
From any of the people
That I used to work with.
Even from the two
That I cared
So very much about.

It’s not my fault.
This much I know.
For the problems
That I’ve had to face
Are problems
That could happen
To anyone
I have ever known.

All it takes
Is a single event.
Like the two
That triggered all of this
In me.

For after everything
That I’ve been through
In this past year.
I can’t help but see
How close each one of them is
To facing the same problems
That I’ve faced.

And that’s one reason
That none of them
Will ever talk to me again.
Just by talking with me
They would have to face
How very easily
Any one of them
Could become so very hurt
In the way that I did.

There are so many people
That I worked with
In that place
That I know
Absolutely hate
The work they do.
And the environment
That they are in.
That they hate it
Every bit
As much as I did.
And some of them
Hate it
Maybe even more.

It was a place
Where the only thing that mattered
Was the work.
Where everyone proclaimed
You were their friend.
When what they meant
Was that they worked with you.

It was a place
Where when the work day ended
Everyone went home.
And forgot everything
And almost everyone,
Until the next day
That they had to be
In that place.

The only reason
I can figure out
Why they did
The things they did,
And behaved
Like they cared
For each other
In that place
Was because
Each of them understood
They way that the environment
That they worked in
Hurt them.

And it seems to me
That they stood together
In the way they did,
As a way of coping
With they pain
That the environment
Put them in.

And the difference between
All of them
And me
Is why none of them
Will ever talk with me

I stood alone
In that place.

I was not one of them.
I didn’t stand with them.
I didn’t share with them
The secret behavior
They all seemed to know.
Of how they were in pain
In that work place.
And grouped together
To defend themselves
From the reality
That they had to face
Every single day.

They were not there
For the work so much
As they were there
For the paycheck.
And they did
What they could
To help each other
Through the day
In that awful place.

And that’s another part
Of what happened
To me in that place.
Just like I’m doing now,
I spoke the truth.

I declared that none of them
Cared at all
What happened to
The Princess of Laughter.
And the pain
And hurt
That she was clearly in.

And the truth was
That they really didn’t.
That they all knew
Her behavior had deviated
From the behavior
Of the group.
The behavior that they used
To just survive
In the place they worked.

And she wasn’t helping them
Get through the day.
And they couldn’t help her
As she tried to cope
With the nasty place
That the place we all worked in
Really, truly was.

After all,
We all knew,
Even all of them,
That every one of us
Was expendable.
That if anyone got sick,
Or had an injury,
That prevented them from working
For too long.
The place that we all worked in
Would replace the wounded one.
So that the work
Would ALWAYS get done.

For to that place,
To that land of work,
The only thing that really mattered
Was the work itself.
And if a human resource
Became hurt,
So what.
There were plenty more
Human resources
To get the work done.
And you just replace
The broken resource
With a new one.

Like they did with me.

I also broke
Some unwritten rule
That’s one of those things
That my ASD
Causes me to miss

I spoke out
About how everyone
Was behaving
In that place.

And that’s just something
That you flat don’t do.
Because they all know
What’s going on
And they don’t want
To talk about it
At all.
Because it bothers them
Too much
To admit that truth.

That’s back to the reason
Why they all behave
Like they are friends.
And like they care
For each other
In that awful place.
When they really don’t.

It’s just a mechanism
That they’ve put in place
So that they can help
Each other
Through another day
In the hell
That they all work in.

And because I wasn’t
Part of that type
Of behavior.
And did not fit in.
And pointed out
Time and time again
How they were’t really
My friends
From the way that they behaved.

I had to go away.
For no one in that place
Could trust me any more
After how I had behaved.

I’d violated
The social behavior rules.
And thus broken
Any sense of trust
That they could have had
In me.

And they couldn’t work
With someone
That they couldn’t trust.

It’s been a painful thing to learn.
But I’m better now
Because of having lived
Through such a thing.

And I know,
And can plainly see,
That the people
I know now
Are not at all
Like the people
I worked with
Back then.

For the people I know now
Have bonded to together
As true friends.
And they really do
Care for each other
Like friends do.

And the fear I had
Of not fitting in,
Of upsetting them.
And being abandoned once again.
As I was
By the people
I once worked with.
That fear
Is now gone.

Because the friendships
That have already formed,
And the people
I know now,
Are not playing that same game
Of helping each other
Get through another day
In the land of work.

They help each other
Get through life.
With all its trials.
With all its joys.
With all its pain.
With all its smiles.

That’s what I tried
So very hard to do
With the two people
From that place of work
That I once called
My friends.

I didn’t know at all
That in the place I worked
Doing such a thing
Was completely wrong.

It’s because I’ve learned
So very much
About this life
That we all live in
In this past year
That was filled with hurt,
And pain.

That I understand now
The fears that I’ve had
In this past week.

And they’re only fears.
And it’s OK
To be afraid.

Just by accepting me
The people I know now
Have helped me
When I needed help.

They showed genuine
For me.
And my family.

And that’s the way
That friends
Are supposed to be.

That’s why I returned last night
To the church I’m going to.
Because I’ve learned
That the people there
Really do care
For each other.
In the way
That friends are supposed to.

And that’s a priceless gift
From life.

And much to my surprise
I’ve learned
That somehow, and someway,
I’ve started to care
Very much
For them.

And that’s something
That’s completely new
For me.

Goodnight, God. Goodnight.

OK, God…
I’m being selfish tonight.
I know it.
Because I find
I want to ask something.
Several something’s

I went to church tonight.
And there I saw
Some of the people
That I care about
Very much indeed.
You know them.
The mother and daughter pair.
And you know
I’ve spoken with you
About the two of them

Well, geeze, God…
You’re the one
That gave me these eyes,
And taught me to use them
To see.
You’re the one
That touched my heart.
And brought it
Back to life.
So you know ding well
What I saw tonight.
And you knew ding well
I’d see what I did.

I saw the daughter
As she got out of their car.
And I couldn’t help but see
The killer bandage
Wrapped around her foot.
Just like I couldn’t miss
The way she limped
Every time that foot
Hit the ground
While she walked.

Now, I know it’s just a cut.
And I know
It will heal up
Soon enough.
But still.
It bothered me
To see her limp
The way she did.

You keep showing me things
That make me wish
I could find a way
To temporarily, anyway
Carry the hurt and pain
Of someone I care for.

Why for do you keep doing that?

And then her mother
Got out of the car.
And, God, you know
What I would have done
If I was strong enough,
And not afraid
That she’d get upset
With me.

You know ding well
I wanted to pick her up.
And carry her.
So she didn’t have to walk.
And could just relax
For a little while.

I mean…
How could I not notice
The hurt that was right there
In her pretty eyes?
I’m not blind
You know.
I’m not.

And of course you know.
You gave me these eyes
That see so many things.

But, there’s more, God.
I know you know.
But I’m trying to learn here,
As you know.

There was the lady
That returned to church.
Walking very slowly.
With that walker
That she had.

Seeing someone hurt
That much
Sometimes just makes me mad.

Not at the person
Of course.
But at the world
That could hurt someone
Like that.

I guess that like my father said,
“Life’s not fair at all.”

Why for do people have to hurt
Like that lady at the church

You know,
Of course,
That I ask
That you take care
Of all three of them.
And maybe let the hurt
That they are in
Go away
While they sleep tonight.
And let them have
Magic dreams.
If only for a little while.

You know too
That there are two people
That I’m worried about
I’ve been worried
About them both
For a week now.

I know that they will be OK.
Physically, anyway.
But I know
They’ll both have scars
Left upon their hearts
By the evil
That was done to them.

And I know too
That they both have to face
Some pretty hefty
Medical bills.
I wish I had a job
So that I could help them
With the bills they face.
At least a little bit.

I told my lady today
That maybe I should spend
Some of my reward points
From my credit card.
On a gift card
For them.

Like I said
When I began.
I’m being selfish
On this night.
And asking if you might
Help these people
That I care about.

‘Cause I couldn’t help but see
The hurt in them
When I went to church

Goodnight, God.

A Little Bit Of Music…

To pass the night away…

01. Draconian – The Last Hour Of Ancient Sunlight
02. Alestorm – Shipwrecked
03 Karma To Burn – Cynics
04. Leaves’ Eyes – To France
05. TYR – Hail To The Hammer
06. TYR – Hold The Heathen Hammer High
07. Alestorm – Keelhauled
08. Apocalyptica featuring Cristina Scabbia – S.O.S. (Anything But Love)
09. SAMAEL – Luxferre
10. SAMAEL – Slavocracy
11. SAMAEL – Rain
12. Tiamat – Brighter Than The Sun
13. Unsun – Whispers
14. PoisonBlack – Mercury Falling
15. Battle Beast – Enter The Metal World
16. Turisas – Stand Up And Fight
17. In This Moment – Beautiful Tragedy
18. Mandragora Scream – Breakin’ Dawn
19. Mortemia – The One I Once Was
20. Prince Poppycock – Bohemian Rhapsody

The last one is in honor of a friend of mine… He told me I had to watch this one…


Fairies : Tears Fell From Her Eyes

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Sunshine was stunned.
She looked across the room
At her human friend.
And saw the self hatred in him.
It was something
She had never seen before.

She knew he was in pain
In his heart,
And in his soul.
She could see
How his heart ached.
She could see the tears
That his soul cried.

“What has happened?”
Was all that she could think.
He’d been doing so very well
For weeks and weeks.
And suddenly
He’d begun to come apart.

She sat there on his desk,
In the place he’d placed her.
And she watched him.
For a while.
For she wanted to learn
Everything she could
About what it was
That had wounded him.
That had caused him so much pain
In such a short time.

As she watched him she noticed
That every now and then
He looked out through the window.
And he sighed,
Then he tried to return
To doing things.
And sometimes all the he could do
Was just stand there for a while.

And she thought to herself,
“Could it be?”
As she watched him
Through the day.
“Could it really be?”

That night
While he was asleep,
Sunshine flew to Mystica.
And she spoke with her.
My friend.
You who taught me
How to be
Who I truly am.
I am concerned deeply
About our human friend.”

Mystica just smiled,
And placed her hand
On Merlin’s head.
And Merlin said,
“He gets this way
Every time the weather’s foul,
And hides the sun away.
He gets this way
In winter too.”

Sunshine was truly surprised.
“But the weather is the weather.
And clouds come and go.
Some days the sun shines.
Some days it rains.
Surely he knows that.”

Mystica looked very sad.
Very sad indeed.
And Sunshine was afraid
That Mystica would cry.

With such sad eyes,
Spoke to Sunshine then.
“His body betrays him.
It’s what his people call
A seasonal affective disorder,
And when the sun is gone,
It clearly shows in him.”

Sunshine sat down
For she was too stunned to stand.
“But the sun is always there.
You can see its light.
Even in the worst of storms.
Even on the darkest days.
How could the clouds of rain
Do such things to him?”

Mystica tried to explain
To her confused friend.
“How do you feel,
On a bright and sunny day?”

“I feel so very happy.
I love such days as those.
They are special days to me.”

Mystica smiled.
And Merlin spoke,
“How do you feel,
Young one,
One there are clouds of rain,
And you can’t feel the sun
As it shines upon your face?”

“Oh, my.
I don’t like those kinds of days at all.
While I enjoy the rain,
I find I miss the sun.
Very much indeed.
For the sunshine feels so very good to me.”

Mystica placed a hand
On Sunshine’s shoulder,
And she spoke once more.
“Now magnify the way you feel
By 10 times,
Or more.”

Mystica looked across the room,
At their human friend.
“That’s what a rainy day
Feels like to him.
That’s what the days of winter
Do to him.
When there are times
He doesn’t see the sun
For days and days.”

Sunshine sat there.
She couldn’t even speak.
Her heart ached so very much.
For now she understood
What it was that she had seen
As she’d watched him
All day long.

She looked up at Mystica,
And could barely say the words,
“And it’s going to rain
For several days.
With the sun behind the clouds.
And he won’t feel the sunshine
All that time.”

“And this is just the first day
Of the days of rain.
And already
I can’t help but see
That he’s in pain.”

Mystica knelt down,
And gently hugged her dear friend
“There’s nothing we can do for him.
No magic we can use.
That will bring the sunshine
Back into his world.
What he does,
And how he handles this
Is up to him.”

Sunshine spoke so quietly
You almost could not hear the words.
“It hurts me very much
To see him hurt this way.”
And then she could not stop the tears
From falling from her eyes.

“I wish there was a way
That we could bring sunshine
Into his life
Every single day.”

“There’s not,
Dear one.
This much you know.
All that we can do
Is wait for the clouds to break.
And be there to help him
When they do.”

And Sunshine cried herself to sleep,
As Mystica held her
While so very many tears
Fell from her eyes
That gloomy day.

Fairies : She Was His Special Friend

Monday, 21 March 2011

The fairies were all happy.
For they’d learned
That their human friend
Had grown well enough
To return to work.

But Dream was afraid.
For she knew all his dreams.
She watched each of them
When he closed his eyes each night
To sleep until the morning light.
And the dreams he had
Of returning to the place
Where he journey had began
Were not always good.

Dream spoke to Whisper
As he rested there
Upon her shoulder.
“I’m worried about him.
Returning to the world of work.
Returning to the place
That hurt him so badly.”

Whisper whispered in her ear,
“Why are you afraid?”

“He may feel sometimes
All alone in that place.
As if he doesn’t belong there,
With everyone he worked with
For so very long.”

“I’m afraid that he’ll get lost again.
That he’ll lose his way once more.
That he won’t see the life,
Or the colors,
In the hearts and souls
Of the people in that place.
And will once more call it
The land of gray.”

“I’m afraid
He’ll get lost
In the darkness
That’s a part of him
Once more.”

Whisper brushed the side of his head
Against Dream’s cheek.
And he sang a quiet song
That all owls know.
A song of owls leaving home.
For the journey they must take
To learn to live
All on their own.

Dream listened intently.
Her heart aching
In her chest.
For she knew what Whisper
Was saying to her.
“He’s grown up.
Let him go.
Let him find his way
All on his own.”

When their human friend
Went to bed that night,
Dream flew to the computer
On his desk.
She wished to talk
With Miss Hooters.

“Miss Hooters,
Could I ask something of you?”
And Miss Hooters nodded yes.

“Could you please
Visit our human friend.
And spend another night
On his pillow,
Right next to his head?”

Miss Hooters took Dreams hand
And said to her,
“I’m worried about him too,
You know.
Going back to work.
And I know that he’s afraid
Of what may happen there.
So I’m going to do
What my heart tells me to.”

She smiled at Dream and Whisper both,
And stretched out her feathered wings.
“I’m taking you with me
To sleep next to his head
On the pillow of his bed
Because my heart tells me
That when the morning comes
He’ll do something wonderful
For you.
So that you won’t have to be afraid
For him.”

The two of them together flew
Across the room.
And landed softly on the pillow
Right next to his head.
Miss Hooters gently floated up,
To hover right above his face.
And gently touched her hands
To his lips once again.
Then she kissed each lip,
And said to him,
“I hope the dreams you have tonight
Are beautiful indeed.”

Then she floated back to land
Beside her dear friend Dream
Right there on the pillow
Next to his head.

Then both Dream and Miss Hooters
Sat down on his pillow,
And leaned back against his cheek.
And closed their eyes.
And went to sleep.

And Whisper flew to Mystica
And asked her to gather up
All the fairies in the group.
So that they could watch
As Dream and Miss Hooters
Gave another dream
To their human friend.

Dream and Miss Hooters
Were in the library
Where they’d been before.
And they saw him there,
Pacing nervously
About the room.

And Miss Hooters raced right up to him,
And she hugged his neck,
And kissed him so gently.

“It’s so good to see you here again”
Said their human friend.
“I’m very scared of what may happen
When I go to work tomorrow.
Something that I haven’t done
In so very long.”

Miss Hooters held him close
For a little while,
And then she let him go.
“I didn’t come alone this time.
I brought Dream with me.
We’re both very worried
About you.”

Dream thought it strange indeed
That she was now his size.
Or perhaps he was her size.
She didn’t really know.
But since she was the same size
As her human friend
She could finally do
Something that she’d always wanted to.

She hugged him,
And she held him close.

Their human friend
Looked in Dream’s eyes.
And saw the fear she had
For him.
As he would return to work
When the morning came.

And then to her surprise
Her human friend did not let go.
He kept on holding her.
As he spoke these words.
“I can tell you are afraid,
Like me,
Of what may happen tomorrow,
When I return to work.”

Then he smiled
A smile that said
How much he cared for her.
“And I can feel the way your heart
Aches within your chest.
And I just can’t let you worry
About me.
I can’t let you wonder
How I’ll be
When I return to work
In the place that so hurt me.”

He let go of Dream,
And gently took her by the hand.
He took Miss Hooter’s hand also.
And they walked outside the library
With him between the two of them.

He walked through his dreams,
To the building
He would return to
The next day.
And there he stopped.

“Miss Hooters,
I love you,
This much you should know.
I’d take you with me
When I go to work,
But I just can’t.
I won’t take you
Into that place.
I want you in my home.
Where I know you will be safe.
Where you’ll know
I’ll always be
When my day at work
Comes to its end.”

And with that,
He let go of her hand.
And then he spoke to Dream.
My special friend.
I’ll need someone to hold on to
When I return to work.
Someone to remind me
Of who I really am.
Someone who can show to me
The colors of the world.
So that I won’t get lost
In the darkness that I know
Is forever part of me,
Part of my heart and soul.”

As he held Dream’s hand
He walked up the steps,
And through the door
Of the building.

Inside the building
Hand-in-hand they walked
To the very place
That he would likely sit
When he returned to work
On the next day.

“They’ll tell me that I shouldn’t,
But I’m going to anyway.
I’m going to keep you with me,
Right here at this desk.
When I return to work.
So that you can remind me
To remember to dream.
And to remember the colors of the world
That you’ve shared with me.”

Dream hugged her human friend.
And held him oh, so close.
“I would love to stay here ever day
To keep you company.”
Then she kissed him,
Did she ever!
It was a kiss he would remember
For quite a while indeed!

The two of them went back outside,
And rejoined Miss Hooters.
Then the three of them
Went for a nice long walk
On a beach the he knew off,
There within his dreams.

And in the end
All three of them
Sat down on the sand.
And with him between
The two of them.
Miss Hooters and Dream both
Laid down
With their heads
In their friend’s lap.

And they went to sleep with him
Watching over them.

Mystica checked the clock,
And said that it was time.
Then she and Musica
And Sunshine too
All flew across the room,
And picked Miss Hooters up.
For she was soundly sleeping
On the pillow,
Leaning up against the human’s head.

Lilly, Chrissy and Rose
Did the same thing.
And they picked Dream up
From where she rested
Next to him.

When the human woke up
All the fairies in the room
Where where they were supposed to be.

They watched as he got up,
And left the room.
They knew he got his shower,
And they knew he shaved.
And they watched him as he dressed for work
Upon that day.

They knew he went to his kitchen,
And fixed breakfast for himself.
And brushed his teeth.
And then got ready
To once more go to work.

And all the fairies smiled,
When their human friend
Took out the box for Dream.
And carefully wrapped her up
And placed her once again
In that box.
And he took that box with him.

Miss Hooters
Leaped for joy.
“I know he’ll be OK.
My heart told me so.
My heart told me
He would not forget
The colors of the world.
My heart told me
He would take
Dream with him
When he returned to work.”

And so it was
That Dream spent all her time
Sitting on the desk
That he sat at
In the land of work.

And her human friend
Was OK.
And never did forget
The colors of the world

After all,
She was his special friend.

Fairies : Her Heart Knew What To Say

Monday, 14 March 2011

Miss Hooters had a feeling
That would not go away.
A feeling that left her
Very much afraid.
So she spread her wings,
And then she flew
To visit Dream and Whisper too.

She could talk with Dream
Because she knew
That Dream always understood
The meanings of dreams.
And Miss Hooters was having dreams
That she didn’t understand.
About her human friend.
And the fears she knew he had.

Whisper left Dream’s shoulder.
And he flew to Miss Hooters’,
Where he landed on her arm
That she held out for him.
And Whisper
Whispered in her ear.

“He’s worries every day,
And every night,
About going back to work.”

Miss Hooters ruffled the feathers
Oh Whisper’s neck
And head,
As she said,
“I know. He told me so.
And I wish
He wouldn’t worry so.
For my heart tells me
That he will be OK.
That he has friends there.
And they miss him.
And wish for him
To be OK.”

And Whisper
Whispered one more time,
In Miss Hooter’s ear,
“Then tell him what you feel.
Speak the truth to him.
Like your heart tells you too.
For as you know
There is more magic
In your heart
Than the fairy magic
Of all the fairies
That there are.”

And Whisper flew away
To rest once more
On Dream’s shoulder.
And Dream smiled,
As she looked at Miss Hooters,
And she said,
“Whisper never lies.”

And with those words
Miss Hooters knew
What her heart
Told her to do.
How to help him cope
With all the fears he had
Of returning to work.
Where his nightmares
Had began.

She had to find a way
For her heart to speak
To his.
So that she could tell him,
Heart to heart,
That he didn’t need
To be afraid.
That she knew
Everything would be OK.

But in the magic
Of the heart
She was all alone.
There was no one
Who could tell her
What to try,
Or what to do.

For she was the only fairy
That had such magic
In her heart.

And that was when
Rose landed
Next to her.

“I love him too,
You know.
Maybe not as much as you.
But I love him too.”

Rose took Miss Hooter’s hands,
And held them gently in her own.
And both of them stood there
For a little while.
Until Rose spoke once more.
“Listen to your heart,
My friend.
Listen to your heart.
It will tell you
What you need to do.”

And then Rose
Flew back to her crescent moon,
Where it sat,
Across the room.

Miss Hooters spread
Her feathered wings.
And silently floated
Across the room.
Until she came to rest
On the pillow of his bed.
Right there,
Beside his head.
As he was sound asleep.

And Miss Hooters
Laid down next to him.
And wished that she was big enough
To at least hug his neck.
But she was not.
Compared to him,
She was very small indeed.

She snuggled up
Against his head.
And turned to face his cheek,
Which she then kissed.
And then she placed her hands
On it.

And then she said,
“Good night,
My friend,
Good night.”

And then she closed her eyes.
And feel asleep right there,
Next to him.

And suddenly,
She was in that library
With her human friend
Once more.

And he said,
“I’ve missed you
Since you’ve been away.”

Miss Hooters ran up to him,
And climbed into his lap.
Then kissed him,
As she hugged his neck.

“I have missed you too,”
She said,
As she smiled,
And looked into his eyes.

After she held him
For a little while,
She stood up,
And pulled him from his chair.
“Come with me
My love.
There’s something
I want you to see.
Something I’m so very much
Afraid of.”

The two of them
Walked hand in hand.
Out of the library,
Into the outside air.

And after a short walk outside
They came upon the place
Where he had once worked.

A cold, grey building.
Made of concrete.
With very few windows at all.
It had concrete steps
That lead up from the ground
To its front doors.

Miss Hooters stopped walking
And he stopped too.
And they both stood there
Hand in hand
Looking at that building
In his mind.

“I can feel the fear
That’s in your heart
When you think
Or dream,
Of here.”

And he clung tightly
To her hand,
His fingers interlaced
With hers.

“This is where it all began.”
And his voice was very quiet.
And very much afraid.

“How can anyone that works here
Every wish to work with me
How can anyone that works here
Trust me
In any way?
I’m very much afraid
To return to this place.”

Miss Hooters
Wrapped her arms
Around his waist,
And she held him
Very close.
So that she could whisper
In his ear.

“Think of all the names
Of the people
You knew here.”
Then she kissed him
Oh, so gently,
“And close your eyes
My love.
And listen to the words
My heart would say
To yours.”

And he held her tightly,
As if she
Was his only friend
In this place
That they were in.
And he closed his eyes.
“I’m so scared.
I’m so afraid.
Don’t leave me all alone
Within this place.”

Miss Hooters
Kissed him once again,
“You’re never alone.
Not even here.
Even if I’m not with you.
For there are people here
That care for you.
And hope you are OK.”

Her human friend
Then closed his eyes,
And thought of all the names
Of the people that he’d worked with
In this cold grey place.

And one by one,
As he thought each name,
He could see each persons face.
People he had worked with
In that cold grey place.

Miss Hooters smiled
And held him close,
As she spoke to him,
“How many of those people
Do you believe
Have been worried
About you?
How many of those people
Do you believe
Wish you to be OK?
How many of those people
Do you believe
Would be happy to see you,
And work with you
Once more?”

That was when he smiled.

“In the days before you left,
You said you had been wrong.
That it was not a land of grey.
Where everything,
And everyone,
Was exactly the same.
Remember what you said?”

And his tight grip on her
Slowly changed
To a gentle,
Tender one.

“I remember them,”
He said.
“I remember all of them.
Every single one.”

He opened his eyes,
And then he smiled.
And she saw pure magic
In his eyes.

“They didn’t send me home
To get rid of me,
Did they?”

Miss Hooters shook her head,
“No, my love.
They didn’t.
They knew that you were hurt.
That something in your heart
Was badly broken.
And you couldn’t see that
For yourself.”

“They sent me home
So I’d have the chance
To get well,
Didn’t they?”

Miss Hooters kissed him
Once again,
“Yes, my love.
They did.”

Then the two of them
Walked hand in hand,
Back to the library.
And he sat down in his chair.
And she sat down
In his lap.
And hugged his neck.
And let her head rest
On his shoulder.

And then she fell asleep.

With the sun soon coming up,
Dream and Musica and Mystica
Spread their fairy wings.
Then they flew across the room,
And picked Miss Hooters up,
Where she was fast asleep
On the pillow,
With her head pressed up against
His cheek.

And they carefully carried her
Back to the place
That she belonged.

And when the dawn came
Their human friend woke up.
And then he smiled.
And he walked across the room
To where Miss Hooters was,
And he picked her up.
And oh so gently, cradled her
In his human hands.

“I had a dream of you last night.
And in that dream
You helped me
Once again.”

He gently traced the lines of her face
With his finger tips,
“You told me not to be afraid.”

Then he picked up Dream,
And moved her to the place
Where Miss Hooters had once been.
And he put Miss Hooters
In Dream’s place.
On top of his computer.

“I think I’ll keep you here.
At least for now.”

And he smiled.

“I don’t know when
I’ll get to work again.
But I know not to be afraid.
All thanks to the dream
I had last night.
Of a walk you took me on.”

And then he went downstairs,
To eat his breakfast,
Take his medication,
And start another day.

And after he was gone,
Miss Hooters was so happy
That she cried.

Fairies : May The Roses Always Be In Full Bloom In His Dreams

Friday, 11 March 2011

Rose sat there,
On her crescent moon.
Resting her feet
Upon the ground.
With roses all around.

And she thought once more
Of her human friend.
She knew the magic of her heart
Was not as strong
As Miss Hooter’s was.
But she also knew
That she loved her friend.
And she wanted very much
To find a gift
For him.

Rose’s fairy magic wasn’t great.
She could only work with roses.
And it would be months
Before a single rose
Did bloom.

As she sat there,
On her crescent moon,
She wondered what there was
That she could do.
What kind of gift
Could she give him
With the roses
Not in bloom?

And then she slowly realized
That every time she closed her eyes
She could see the roses
In their prime.
In full bloom.
With colors everywhere.
And she could see
Each and every bloom
Upon a million plants.
Every detail.
Every petal.
Every color.
Every curve.
And all the textures
Of each bloom.

“I know what I can give to him!”
She thought,
And as she thought,
She smiled.
And as she smiled,
The darkness of the night
Was weakened
In the room.
For Rose had more magic
Than she knew.
As she would soon
Find out.

“I’ll share with him
The gift I have
Of seeing every rose
In beautiful
Full bloom!”

And then she paused.
And thought.
And said these words out loud.
“But how do I do that?”

And Scream flew from the tree
That he rested on,
As he watched Musica
Play her flute.
And hovered there,
Right next to Rose,
Who was sitting
On her crescent moon.

And Scream did what only he could do.
He screamed.
A quiet scream
That was heart felt.
And spoke to Rose’s heart.
And where you and I
Would have only heard
Him scream,
Rose’s heart heard his words.
And those words said,
“Believe in you.
Dear one.
Believe in you.
And you will be amazed
What you can do.”

And once again Rose smiled
And the darkness of the room
Was weakened yet again.
And she reached out to Scream,
And scratched behind his ears.
And she said to him,
“Thank you,
Dear friend.
Thank you
For your trust
In me.”

And then Scream flew back home,
And landed once again
On the tree where he could listen
To the music
Musica played.

And Rose stood up,
Upon the ground,
And spread her wings,
Which shown with all the colors
Of the roses
In full bloom.

And she gently floated
Across the room.
And then she hovered
Just above his head.

She took the rose bloom
That she held in her hand,
And gently placed it
On his head.
Just above his eyes.
And she smiled once more,
And the darkness of the night
That filled the room
Was gone.
And the room was filled
With images
Of roses in full bloom.

Roses of all sizes.
And all colors too.
Rose buds just starting to open up,
To flowers in full bloom.

With soft, velvet petals
Everywhere the eye could see.
That looked like the rose garden
That he’d walked in
Time and time again,
In the summer,
And the fall.

And Rose spoke,
Her voice as gentle,
And as soft,
As the velvet petals
Of a heart red rose,
“I share my dreams
Of rose gardens
In full bloom
That I have every night,
And every day,
With you,
My human friend.”

Then she pressed her hands
To both of his lips.
And she kissed him on his cheek.
And as she floated there
Above his head.
She cried a single tear.

And that tear fell on that rose
That she’d placed upon his head.
And that rose,
And the tear on it,
Both disappeared.

Rose then floated
Back across the room.
And took her seat once more
Upon her crescent moon.

And she knew
That her human friend
Would always be able to dream
Of the roses
In full bloom.
And that was her gift
To him.

In Positive Ways

I’m very much in conflict
On this day.
But it’s not
The kind of conflict
That you might expect.
It’s not physical at all.
And the only one involved
In the conflict
I am facing.
Is me.

This is one of those times
When I have to change
Something in my life
That’s always been
One way.

For that way
Is just flat wrong.
Let me explain.

All my life
I’ve felt left out.
As if I don’t belong
Anywhere I’ve been.

But recently
That’s changed.
In a very negative way.
For recently
I’ve begun to feel as if
My very presence
In a group of people
Disturbs and upsets
And that they want me gone.
Or that they wouldn’t mind
If I were to leave
On my own.
So that everything could be
Normal and OK
Once more.

This is the struggle
That I face
Right now.
As I try
To work my way
Through everything
That makes me feel
This way.

For I know
Feeling this way
Is just flat wrong.
But knowing that,
And changing how I feel
Are two completely different

So, I’m using everything I’ve learned
In the past 14 months
To figure out the way
To deal with this problem
That I’m dealing with today
In a correct,
And healthy

So, the first step I have taken
Is to take care
Of the feelings
That I have.
Which means
I had to spend some time
By myself.
While I figured out
What it was
That I was feeling
In the first place.

Once I had that done,
Then I had to figure out
Why I felt
The way I did.
And when I did that
I was very much disturbed.
For what I found
Were things I’ve lived with
My entire life.
Questions that I’ve never
Had an answer to

What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t I fit in?
How come people
Avoid me?
Don’t talk with me?
Ignore me?

And once I found
The questions
That I’ve never
Had an answer to

I could answer them.
Because of what I’ve learned
In this past year.

Nothing’s wrong with me.
Nothing at all.
I’m just different.
And there’s nothing wrong
With being different.

Nothing’s wrong with people
That causes them
To avoid me.
It’s just the way they are.
Because it’s easier for them
To stick to people
That behave
In the same way
As them.

And I clearly don’t.
It’s that I’m different
You see.
That I don’t react to things,
Or behave the same way
That other people do.

As a result,
Other people have a hard time
Understanding me.
And that’s why I feel
Like I don’t belong.
It’s very hard for them,
Very difficult for them
To deal with someone
That they don’t understand
At all.

It’s not that they don’t like me.
I’ve figure that one out.
It’s not that they’re afraid of me.
I know that’s the case too.
It’s that they just don’t
Understand me,
And the way I behave,
And the things I do,
And say.

It’s because it takes time
And effort,
On their part
To adjust to me.
To adapt to me.
And deal with how different I am
From them.

So, I know
That things won’t change.
Because I am
The way I am.
And so are they.

And I’m wondering
How long it will take me
To accept that things
Will always be
This way.
And not let that
Stop me
From getting out
Into the world.
And living life.

For I know
That living life’s
The only way
I ever have a chance
Of making friends
With anyone
Ever again.

And I know
That there are people
Out there in the world
That will take the time
To understand
My ways.

I know to
That this is not
A single sided thing.
Because for me
To have a chance
Of making friends
With anyone

I have to take the time
To understand
Their ways.
And the way that they behave.

And that’s where I am
Working to resolve
The fears and frustrations
That I have right now.
So that I can
Move forward.
Into new things in life.
And have a chance
Of making new friends
Ever now and then.

And as you’ve seen,
When I take the time
To work with my emotions,
And the things I feel,
In a constructive,
Positive way.

I do figure out
What’s happening.
So that I can change
The things I do,
And the reactions
That I have
In positive ways.

Free To Just Be Me

I did not go to church today.
Because of how I feel.
And even now,
I feel that way.
As if I’ve once more
Done too much wrong.
And as a result,
Of just being who I am,
I’ve disturbed someone
In that place.

I don’t know if I have,
Or not.
Because no one
Will tell me.
They never, ever have.
Somehow, I believe
They never, ever will.

I just couldn’t see
Going to church today
To sit there
In a room
Filled with people
Of all kinds.
And me sitting there
Surrounded by people
That don’t know
How terrified I am
To be sitting there
In their church.
Trying everything
I’ve ever learned
About blending in.
So that I don’t bother
Anyone at all.

I couldn’t face that
This morning.
I just could not.

So I grabbed my camera.
And fixed myself
A 32 ounce drink.
Propel Grape
I do believe.

And then I got
Into my car,
And went to the place
I know
That I’m always safe.
And have never bothered
No matter what I’ve done.

I went to the
Botanical Garden.
And I started my time there
By walking through the roses.
And taking pictures

And all the stress.
And all the worry
That I felt earlier,
About going to church.
Was gone.

For in the garden
I know
That everything’s OK.

I can stop and stare
At ever flower
That I see.
And no one there
Ever gets upset with me.

I can lean forward
And try to smell
The fragrances
Of ever flower there.
And no one there
Tells me
That I’m doing something wrong.

I can touch the leaves
Of ever tree
That I see
While I am there.
I can even use
My fingertips
To feel the texture
Of the bark
Of all the trees
That I walk past.
And no one there
Tells me I cannot.

I can sit down
On the grass
Almost anywhere.
And let the fingers
Of my hands
Explore the ground.
Have you ever done that?
Just sat there
On the grass,
And tried to feel
Ever blade
Of ever kind of grass
That’s there?

I can do that
In the garden.
And no one at all
Gets angry with me
For doing something
I should not.

I can stand there
And just stare
At the Roses,
And Hibiscus blooms
For just as long
As I wish to.
And no one will tell me
That I’m staring.
And that staring
Is something that
I should never do.

I can stand still,
And just feel the breeze
As it flows past me.
Across the palms
Of my two hands.
And between
All of my fingers.
And through
What little hair I have
On the top of my head.

Or I can close my eyes,
And enjoy the feel
Of the sun
As it shines down
From the sky
Onto me.

Did you know
That if you try
You can almost tell
Where the sun is
In the sky
With your eyes closed.
Try it,
You will see.

I can do these things,
And no one there
In the garden
At the same time
That I am
Ever says that I cannot.
Ever looks at me
And shakes their head
As if to say,
“What’s that idiot
Doing now?”

I needed that today.
Gods, but I needed that
So very much.

Because sometimes
All that I can feel
Is that everything I do,
Or say,
In this world
We all live in.

Is just flat wrong.

And sometimes
I just hurts
To have to feel that way.

That’s why I go
To the garden

So that I
Don’t have to pretend
To be someone
That I’m not.

So that
While I’m there
I am truly free
To just be me.

Fairies : The Magic Of Her Heart

Friday, 25 October 2011

It was early in the morning.
He had been up for about an hour.
When he came over to his desk.
And he sat down.
And he looked
At each one of the fairies.

Then he picked Miss Hooters up.
And he smiled.

“I had a dream
Of you last night.”
And he looked at her.
“And in my dream
You were alive.”

He held her out before him.
And examined all of her.
Head to foot.
And front to back.

“You told me
That you love me.
That’s how I know
It was a dream.
For you’re just
A figurine.
And simply not alive.”

And he smiled.
And then he gently placed her
Back upon his desk.
And he thought
For just a moment.
Then he picked up Dream,
And Miss Hooters both.
And exchanged their places
On his desk.

“I think I’ll put you here.
Where it’s easier to see you.
At least for a while.”

And then the human smiled.
“I know it was a dream.
I know you are not real.
But I also know
What happened in that dream.
When you told me
All about the lies.”

And he picked Miss Hooters up again.
And gently cradled her
Within his hands.
And said,
“And the words within that dream
Were true.
I am not worthless.
Or expendable.
Or useless.
Or strange.”

He touched her wings.
And then he touched her hair.

“I’ve got a lot to learn.
This much I know.
But since I had that dream
I know
I have to find those lies
I’ve lived with all my life.
And let them go.
So that they won’t hurt me
Any more.”

And the human smiled.
And gently put Miss Hooters
Back upon the desk.
On top of his computer.
Where he couldn’t help but see her
Every time that he sat down.

And then he smiled.

And all the fairies knew
That he would be OK.
And when he walked away,
And left the room,
The Fairies all smiled.

And Miss Hooters
Was so happy.
That she cried.

For Mystica was right,
When she had declared,
That Miss Hooters had
The greatest magic
Of them all.

The magic of her heart.