In Positive Ways

I’m very much in conflict
On this day.
But it’s not
The kind of conflict
That you might expect.
It’s not physical at all.
And the only one involved
In the conflict
I am facing.
Is me.

This is one of those times
When I have to change
Something in my life
That’s always been
One way.

For that way
Is just flat wrong.
Now,
Let me explain.

All my life
I’ve felt left out.
As if I don’t belong
Anywhere I’ve been.

But recently
That’s changed.
In a very negative way.
For recently
I’ve begun to feel as if
My very presence
In a group of people
Disturbs and upsets
Them.
And that they want me gone.
Or that they wouldn’t mind
If I were to leave
On my own.
So that everything could be
Normal and OK
Once more.

This is the struggle
That I face
Right now.
As I try
To work my way
Through everything
That makes me feel
This way.

For I know
Feeling this way
Is just flat wrong.
But knowing that,
And changing how I feel
Are two completely different
Things.

So, I’m using everything I’ve learned
In the past 14 months
To figure out the way
To deal with this problem
That I’m dealing with today
In a correct,
And healthy
Way.

So, the first step I have taken
Is to take care
Of the feelings
That I have.
Which means
I had to spend some time
By myself.
While I figured out
What it was
That I was feeling
In the first place.

Once I had that done,
Then I had to figure out
Why I felt
The way I did.
And when I did that
I was very much disturbed.
For what I found
Were things I’ve lived with
My entire life.
Questions that I’ve never
Had an answer to
Before.

What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t I fit in?
How come people
Avoid me?
Don’t talk with me?
Ignore me?

And once I found
The questions
That I’ve never
Had an answer to
Before.

I could answer them.
Because of what I’ve learned
In this past year.

Nothing’s wrong with me.
Nothing at all.
I’m just different.
And there’s nothing wrong
With being different.

Nothing’s wrong with people
That causes them
To avoid me.
It’s just the way they are.
Because it’s easier for them
To stick to people
That behave
In the same way
As them.

And I clearly don’t.
It’s that I’m different
You see.
That I don’t react to things,
Or behave the same way
That other people do.

As a result,
Other people have a hard time
Understanding me.
And that’s why I feel
Like I don’t belong.
Because
It’s very hard for them,
Very difficult for them
To deal with someone
That they don’t understand
At all.

It’s not that they don’t like me.
I’ve figure that one out.
It’s not that they’re afraid of me.
I know that’s the case too.
It’s that they just don’t
Understand me,
And the way I behave,
And the things I do,
And say.

It’s because it takes time
And effort,
On their part
To adjust to me.
To adapt to me.
And deal with how different I am
From them.

So, I know
That things won’t change.
Because I am
The way I am.
And so are they.

And I’m wondering
How long it will take me
To accept that things
Will always be
This way.
And not let that
Stop me
From getting out
Into the world.
And living life.

For I know
That living life’s
The only way
I ever have a chance
Of making friends
With anyone
Ever again.

And I know
That there are people
Out there in the world
That will take the time
To understand
My ways.

I know to
That this is not
A single sided thing.
Because for me
To have a chance
Of making friends
With anyone
Again.

I have to take the time
To understand
Their ways.
And the way that they behave.

And that’s where I am
Today.
Working to resolve
The fears and frustrations
That I have right now.
So that I can
Move forward.
Into new things in life.
And have a chance
Of making new friends
Ever now and then.

And as you’ve seen,
When I take the time
To work with my emotions,
And the things I feel,
In a constructive,
Positive way.

I do figure out
What’s happening.
So that I can change
The things I do,
And the reactions
That I have
In positive ways.

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