Finding My Wings : Friends Are Priceless To Me

Here I sit.
On the sofa
In my home.
Staring at an empty screen.
Wondering
Why it reminds me
So very much
Of how I sometimes feel.

But, I know
That if I wish
I can fill the screen
With letters.
And with words.
I can even draw something
If I wish.

That screen is there.
And it is empty.
Waiting for me
To fill it
With anything,
And in any way
That I want to.

I’ve learned that much
In the year
That I’ve lived through.
A year that has been filled
Abundantly
With change.

I wish that I could do the same
With the life I lead.
But I can’t.
For I also know
This simple truth.

I control the content
Of my computer’s screen.
I can put anything
That I want to
There.
I can fill it anytime
That I wish to.
Or I can strip it bare.

I can’t do that
With life.
For that’s something
I cannot control.

Yes, I know
I can control
Myself.
I can decide
What I wish to do.
How I wish to respond
To almost anything.

But I’ve learned
That I can’t control
Anyone
But me.

People will either like me,
Or they won’t.
They will talk with me,
Or they won’t.
They will be my friends,
Or they won’t.

It’s their choice to make.
I can’t make their choices
For them.

I know people
That would not handle
Being as alone
As I have been
In these past few months
Very well at all.

But for me.
This is normal.
This is the way
That life
Has always been.

I have never had
Very many friends.
And I don’t have many
Now.

I have never had
A social life
To speak of.
And I don’t have one
Now.

Most people
Have avoided me.
And they still do
Even now.

But at least
I finally
Understand the reasons
Why.

It’s because
I really am
Not like them.
It’s because
I really do
Not fit in.

If you watch
The way that I behave
When I am at church.
You’ll see
Exactly what I mean.

If you could have seen
The way that I behaved
When I was at work,
You would have seen
Exactly what I mean.

If you could have seen
All the things
That I went through
While I was growing up.
While I was at school.
You would have seen
Everything.

It’s not me.
It’s not my fault.
That I don’t fit in.
That I’m not
Like everyone I meet.
In this world
We all live in.

It’s simply
How things are
Everywhere
On this whole world.
When you are someone
That’s truly different.
When you don’t think,
And feel,
And react
To anything at all
Like anyone
Around you does.

I wish sometimes
That people
Would take the time
It takes
To get to know
People like myself.
People that are different.
That don’t fit in
At all.

But I’ve found they don’t.
I’ve learned
That people like me,
That don’t fit in.
Disturb almost everyone.
Because we don’t react,
And we don’t behave
In the same way
As we are supposed to.

So they are afraid
Of people like myself.
People
That they do not understand.
And they conclude
That they have to stay away
From people
Who are strange.

After all the time
That I’ve been alone
In this life I’ve led.
After all the pain
That I have always felt
Day after day.
After all the times
I wished
That I understood
What was wrong
With me.
And why I wasn’t
Just like everyone
I knew.

I’ve at long last learned
That I’m not broken.
I’m not wrong.
I’m not cold.
Or aloof.
Or scary.
Or any of those things
In any way at all.

I’m just different.
And that’s all.

And I wish sometimes
That more people
In this world
We all live in
Could understand that.
And would take the time
To get to know
What I’m really like.

Because I know
I’m not evil.
I’m not dangerous.
I’m not someone
To be avoided
At all.

I’m just different
From them.

And I’m very honored
To have the friends
I have.
Even though there are
So very few of them.

Because I know
The few friends
That I have
Have taken the time
To understand
That I’m not like them.

And they have accepted me
Anyway.
Even though there are times
When I do things
And say things
And behave in ways
That they just don’t
Understand.

I’ve come to understand
That I’ll always feel
Isolated and alone.
Sometimes just as empty
As a blank
Computer screen.

But that’s OK.
Because it’s shown me
Just how priceless
True friends are.

And as I sit here
On the sofa
In my home.
I quietly close my eyes.
And then I say
A quiet prayer
To God.

And thank him
For the friends
I have.

For they are priceless to me.
Every single one
Of them.

And perhaps
In some small way.
This just may be
His way
Of showing me
How he feels
For everyone.

Even people
Like me.

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