I’m Going To Need All My Brain Cells

I shared these words
With a good friend
Just yesterday.
And these are the words
I shared.

I wrote them in my log book
That I kept at work.
Off an on
For the 13 years
I worked
On the same project.

They were written
On Monday,
June 30th.
In 2008.
And were a precursor
Of what was to come.

I don’t want to work.
I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to do this.
I don’t want to deal
With the job
And the politics of the job.
I don’t want to endure
The stress anymore.
But I’m hear any frakkin’ way.

And when I shared these words
With my friend,
My friend said to me,
“That almost sounds
Like a suicide note.”

Talk about being knocked
Flat on my back.
I would have never
Every
In a million years
Come up with that.

But I trust her
Very much indeed.
For she’s helped me
So very much
In the past few months.
And she’s patiently
Answered so many questions
That I have.
And tried so very hard
To explain so many things
To me.

So when she said those words,
I had to take a good long look
At how the words I’d written
Could have been
Interpreted.

Damn, was I surprised.

To me those words say
Exactly what they say.
That I was very tired,
And fed up,
With the work
That I was doing every day.
And was very much thinking
That maybe it just might
Be time for me
To find another job.
And get out of the
Environment
That I was in.

I wrote the words.
And I meant them.
Literally.

I never understood
Until my friend spoke with me
About the words I’d written
On that day
That anyone would read those words
And see them in a way
That I hadn’t meant.

Sometimes it just bothers me
How complicated
Things can be.

But I have learned,
Thanks to the patience
Of my friend
That the things I say
Can be interpreted
In a way
I never meant
For them to be.
In a way
I never expected
In any way.

And now that I am beginning
To understand
How people can interpret
What I write,
And what I say
So very differently
From me.

I’m going to have
To teach myself
How to interpret
The words I write
From a perspective
That I just don’t understand.

Good thing I’ve got a whole bunch
Of functional brain cells.
‘Cause after this
I just have the feeling
I’m going to need
Every last one of them.

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