Finding My Wings: No More Self Destruction

It would be so very easy
To simply leave.
To just get up one day
And walk away.
And never return.

So that no one
Would have to hear from me

So that no one
Would have to be afraid
That I’ll do what I always do.
And disturb them.
Or disrupt their lives.
Or flat upset them
Once again.

It would be the thing to do
To keep everyone happy.
Everyone safe.
From me.
For if I wasn’t here at all,
I couldn’t make mistakes.

And I make so very many mistakes
In my life.

I could move.
Find a job somewhere.
And move there.
And in a few years,
I could move again.
Become a nomad.
A stranger.
Someone no one knows.
Someone no one
Gets close to.
Someone no one
Is friends with.

I could go tape my feet up.
Then get my socks and shoes.
And put my weights
Around my wrists.
And walk.
At least 7 miles.
And maybe more.
In all the heat.
And the humidity.

I could get in my back yard.
And trim the weeds
From around the fence.
And the house.
And then take out
The cipper/shredder
And get rid of
A whole bunch
Of tree branches
That are piled in my back yard.
In all the heat.
And the humidity.

I could do so many things
That would hurt me.
For the things that I have said.
And the things that I have done.
That have disturbed
Damn near everyone.

But inflicting such destruction
On myself
Is yet another choice
That I get to make.

I can choose to be destructive.
I can choose not to.

A few short months ago,
I’d have hammered myself
Into the ground
For the mistakes I’ve made
In this past week.

But that was then.
And this is now.
And now I know
That I’m going
To always make mistakes.
And that I have to learn
From the mistakes I make.

So I won’t leave.
I won’t hide.
I won’t hurt myself.

Somehow I just know
That doing so
Would be one more mistake.
And hurt so very many people
That I know.

And I don’t want to do that
Any more.

It’s time that I stopped running,
And stopped hiding
From the mistakes I make.
It’s time I accepted them.

As for how people react to me
When I make the next mistake.
I can’t control that
Can I?
They’ll do what they do.
Whatever that may be.

And if they choose to leave.
To no longer be friends with me.
There’s nothing I can do
About it.
Nothing at all.

Except to let them go.

I won’t hurt myself
Like I used to
Any more.

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