Finding My Wings: Sometimes This Learning Thing Just Flat Sucks

OK, God.
I’m sitting here on my sofa
All by my little self
Again.
And it’s not like
I don’t have anything to do.
I have plenty to do.

Just one problem.
I can’t seem to get myself in gear.
I can’t seem to move.
It seems to me
That all I’m able to do
Is just sit here.
On the sofa.

I keep hearing the words
Of this stupid song.
“I’m so blue.”
I keep hearing that one part
Over,
And over,
And over,
Again.
It never seems to end.

I find myself wishing
I had someone to talk to.
Someone to keep me company.
Someone I could see.
Someone here with me.
But I don’t.
I’m here.
Like I’ve been
For more months
That I care to even think about.

Alone.
And there’s that other stupid song.
“Alone again,
Naturally.”

I find it very hard,
Today,
For me to do anything.
I find I want to sit here.
And be miserable.
And maybe even cry.
And just let the hurt
That I know I feel
Consume me.

It’s so very hard
To get up
Every single day.
Knowing that I’ll have to face
Another day
Just like the one I faced
The day before.

An endless stream
Of Saturdays.
Some people I know
Would love to live
Like I’m having to live now.
Where every day’s a Saturday.

And I have to admit,
When this whole thing started,
I liked that very much.
But, you know.
If you get too much
Of anything,
It just gets old.

And I’m tired of having Saturdays
Seven days a week.
For weeks on end.

I have plenty
I could do.
Dishes.
Laundry.
And housework too.
I could work on the kitchen.
Or on the master bathroom.
I still haven’t finished
Replacing the dry wall,
You know.

But every time I think
About the things
That I could do
I end up feeling awful.
Because I know
I have to do those things
All alone.
All on my own.

And no one cares.
It’s not their problem.
It’s my problem.
Mine.
And mine alone.

I’m trying, God.
You know that,
Don’t you?
Trying to learn
That the feeling that I have
Of being all alone
Is just that.
Just another feeling.
And like any other feeling
I know I shouldn’t let
Feeling all alone
Hurt me.
And stop me from doing
All the things my family
Would like for me to do.

But the struggle that I have
With being all alone
Never seems to end.
It just goes on,
And on,
And on.

I’ve tried doing things.
Just to pass the time.
Just to help me through
Another day
Of being here alone.
All on my own.
With no one to talk to.

But that always makes me feel
Like I’m running away.
And hiding.
From myself.

And every time I stop,
And sit down once again
I end up feeling
More alone
That I was before.

It’s times like this
That I find I wish
I didn’t feel anything at all
Any more.

I know that you know that.

I asked you last night
To not give up
On the people I used to
Work with.

Now it seems to me
That I have to find the strength
Within my heart and soul
To not give up on me.

Perhaps this is just your way
Of showing me
That you haven’t given up
On me.
And helping me to learn
To have a little trust
In myself.
And a lot more trust
In you.

Sometimes,
God.
This learning thing
Just flat sucks.

I guess it’s time
For me to get up
And do what I can
To find a way
To live with me
Again…

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